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A Role For Allen Iverson On Every NBA Team

Allen Iverson wants back in the NBA.  He wants it badly.  VERY badly. 

So badly that Mr. “I won’t come off the bench” has seriously changed his tune:

“I just want to do whatever an organization wants me to do,” Iverson said. “Everybody made a big thing about me not wanting to come off the bench, but I said that at that point because it never happened to me in my life and it was something new to me, and obviously I didn’t know how to handle it. But to be back on the biggest stage is my whole thing and I feel like I have a couple more years left in my career and I want to play. I sat through and watched the whole season and it was tough for me. Now I just try to do what I have to do to be physically and mentally able to get back on the stage.”

Whatever an organization wants you to do, AI?  Are you sure?  Because we have compiled a list of the dirty jobs it would take for you to make it back to the NBA…

Atlanta Hawks:  Count Joe Johnson’s money
Boston Celtics:  Monitor Kevin Garnett’s Swear Jar, collect millions in fines
Charlotte Bobcats:  Michael Jordan’s caddy
Chicago Bulls: Coordinator of effort to make Tom Thibodeau smile
Cleveland Cavaliers: Seat filler
Dallas Mavericks:  Stand next to JJ Barea so he doesn’t feel so short all the time
Denver Nuggets:  Tattoo party organizer
Detroit Pistons:  Practice Protest Organizer
Golden State Warriors: Pretend to understand Mark Jackson’s catch phrases

Houston Rockets:  Remind everyone “no no… Kevin McHale is COACH, not GM”
Indiana Pacers:  Take kickbacks from Brian Shaw to torpedo Frank Vogel’s tenure
LA Clippers:  Stand under the rim so Blake Griffin can practice posterizing people
LA Lakers:  Andrew Bynum’s personal parking attendant
Memphis Grizzlies:  Tony Allen-to-English translator
Miami Heat:  Starting point guard
Milwaukee Bucks:  Stand in front of Branding Jennings and yell “LOOK AT ME… I’M YOUR FUTURE IF YOU DON’T START PASSING!!!!”
Minnesota Timberwolves:  Starting point guard
New Jersey Nets:  Stand in that prime parking spot in Brooklyn so Prokhorov doesn’t have to walk a million blocks once the arena’s done.
New Orleans Hornets:  Tackle Chris Paul when he tries to leave New Orleans
New York Knicks:  Liaison between the Dolan Family and Isiah Thomas
Oklahoma City Thunder:  Honor restraining order requiring him to stay 500 feet away from Kevin Durant at all times
Orlando Magic:  Guard Stan Van Gundy’s black mock turtlenecks until the league relaxes its coaching dress code
Philadelphia 76′ers:  Not be Allen Iverson
Phoenix Suns:  Steve Nash straight man (take pies to the face, comically step on rakes to smash them into his face) for Youtube videos
Portland Trailblazers:  General Manager (temp-to-perm position)
Sacramento Kings:  Transport bribes to Anaheim politicians
San Antonio Spurs:  Clean up after team’s 4pm “early bird” buffet dinner
Toronto Raptors:  Remind T-Mac and Vince Carter that they are shells of their former selves who should never have left Toronto because they had such a good thing going but NOOOOOO.. they just had to leave so SCREW YOU GUYS!
Utah Jazz: Be a huge embarrassment so people forget the previous huge embarrassment of letting Jerry Sloan walk
Washington Wizards: Bring guns into locker room and make light of the ensuing punishment so team can distract from the disappointing product on the floor

There you go AI.  I’m sure until the season resumes, David Stern will need some help tracking down team executives who’ve made cross-eyed glances at players so he can levy his million dollar fines.  So you have options.

Good luck.

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