I loved Arrested Development. Who didn’t, really?
Sadly, one of the greatest shows ever never found its footing and was canceled after only a few seasons. But there is good news: The new Arrested Development movie is a go!
And with the NBA still in full lockout mode, we figured acting would be a great outlet for a lot of these guys looking to do something until the labor situation is cleared up. So here is our NBA wish-list for the Arrested Development movie.
Michael Bluth: Sam Presti
The prodigal son who is just trying to do right by his family and make the business successful. However, his family is hindering his progress everywhere he turns. Despite that, he soldiers on, ever the good guy (well, usually the good guy), and keeps making strides as he also tries to raise a young son. Sam might not find as many obstacles as Michael Bluth does, but he fits the mold.
George Bluth Sr: Clay Bennett
George Bluth Sr. actually starts in prison, which is where a lot of former Seattle Sonics fans probably think Bennett should be. No, Bennett didn’t do anything legally wrong like George Sr., but the move from Seattle did trigger an investigation (OK, it’s a documentary, but it’s an investigative documentary, it’s close enough). And if enough Seattle fans come looking, I can see Clay hiding out in an attic until the heat dies down. Of course the big question is… does he have a hippie twin brother?
George Michael Bluth: Kevin Durant
We’ll keep it all in the OKC Thunder family (for now) just because it fits so well. KD is the “aww shucks” kid, just like George Michael (c’mon, look at how adorable he is with that backpack). He’s always just sort of quiet, making sure he does what he’s supposed to do. The team comes first for Durant, just like it’s “family first” for George Michael.
Gob Bluth: Gilbert Arenas
Now we leave OKC to get the perfect Gob. Always screwing up, saying something off-color, trying to entertain, and slightly misogynistic (slightly?), Gilbert as Gob just works. Plus, at the heart of both their antics is a deep-seeded desire just to be loved. As an added bonus, one does magic while one plays for the Magic (sorry… the Illusions).
Buster Bluth: Adam Silver
I’ll admit, this is a casting that is done almost entirely on looks alone. But I can also picture Silver never really leaving the NBA offices, being kept away from juice boxes, having an irrational fear of the ocean and, someday, losing a hand to a seal in an act of defiance. Plus, no one hates either of these guys. They’re just so loveable.
Lucille Bluth: Donald Sterling
Rich? Check. Racist? Check. Old and unsightly? Check. Quite possibly intoxicated at any moment? Yeah, sure, why not? And with the makeup magic in Hollywood today, You can make ol’ Donald up to look like Lucille in no time. And neither really cares too much about the family until it serves him, errr, her, errr, whatever needs first.
Tobias Funke: Mark Jackson
Tobias can’t hold down a job, neither could Mark Jackson (he did play for eight different teams before getting into TV and now into coaching.) And they each have a very unique way with words. “Momma there goes that man”? “Hand down, man down”?? What? To top it off, they each have a mustache. All we need is for Mark to become the world’s second analrapist (and get a dose of latent homosexuality, I suppose) and we’ve got a dead on match.
Lindsay Bluth: Kim Kardashian
Kim’s a little curvy for the role, but she fits in every other way. Neither has really ever had a job, both will spend all day shopping, and both (in about a month anyway) are in a completely meaningless marriage that teeters on the edge of divorce. And both are so desperate for attention that they’ll do just about anything to get it.
Maeby Funke: Robin Lopez
Robin’s already got the hair, so the makeup department doesn’t even really need a wig. And his feud with Marcin Gortat shows a silly mischievous side. Maeby is always the one acting out and doing the opposite of what everyone wants just to piss everyone off. And considering how much better Brook is than Robin, we can see Robin rebelling in the same way.
Stan Sitwell: David Stern
We can’t have a movie without a current storyline, so David Stern makes an appearance as Bluth family rival Stan Sitwell. Stan runs a successful business despite seeming like someone who would be completely incompetent. Hey, I hear you over there saying Charlie Villanueva would make a better Sitwell. You can cast him when its your turn to cast the movie. Right now, Stern is the guy to play the foil. He is, after all, trying to take the whole thing over once and for all.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Billy Hunter
And now we have our other lockout player cast. Zuckerkorn keeps screwing things up for the Bluths, even when they have everything in order and are in the right. With financials showing the league made money, the league still owing the players money because they didn’t get their 57%, and the potential for half the league riding out the storm overseas, it would seem the players have the opportunity to seize control here. But not with ol’ Billy at the helm. Plus, with the way these players use social media and cell phones, Hunter’s the most likely guy in the league to utter the line “you’re looking at balls.”
There it is folks. Filiming starts at 8 AM tomorrow. Please have your riders with bizarre trailer requests to the PA’s by dinner time so they can be fulfilled.
With assistance from Jeff Garcia