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The Bachelor Diary: Episode 1

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I know, I know…. What in the bull hell is going on here, right? Well, it's officially the offseason – yes, I know the National Championship game was played last night, but it's the morning after and that means it brings us a chance to entertain you the reader even more because the show that never stops giving – The Bachelor – actually has a college football tie-in this year. 

See, way back on the last season of this show there was this guy (whom producers couldn't get enough shots of w/o his shirt on – blagh, puke, whatever) named Sean that had his heart broken…. Ahhh, but then, this littile nugget of information came out, he was a former college football player, one who actually played at the BCS level none the less. Holy crap, what a great way to waste a perfectly good Monday night in the middle of a snowy and cold Wisconsin winter, right?

So, for the next 10 weeks we're going to go on the journey of an ex-Kansas State Wildcat linebacker named Sean Lowe as he gets fawned over by 25 beautiful and totally sane (wink, wink) women. 

Come on guys, I mean, it's the beginning of a new year and it's the offseason of football. No more Jon Gruden to entertain or make us want to throw things at the TV screen to some horrid NFL game that only helps ease our college football addictions. So what better things do you have to do than sit back, watch some purely entertaining television and go along for the ride that is The Bachelor with us? Yep, that's what I thought… Nothing at all!! So, stick to your Monday routine, but flip over to ABC at 8pmET/7pmCT for what's sure to be a fun ride.

Let our making fun of, rooting for and hating of, the show and the girls begin…. (I promise next week's intro won't be nearly as long, but I had to set the mood… err the scene for the show for those rookies out there) 

WARNING – this one is going to be a long one thanks to 26… not 25 girls to introduce on the show, so bare with us… Promise, next week it won't be so crazy long as dates start and the show gets eaier to catalog.

8:00.35 ET: Well, it took them all of 35 seconds (at most) from the opening of the show for them to show a package of Sean and the ladies on the beach and Sean without his shirt on, so I see the pattern from last season continues for him. Hey, at least there were hot ladies in tow so I guess we can stomach it.

8:02 ET: Hell ya, we've got helicopter rescues and ambulances coming on this season!! Who says this show's all about "love?" See, guys, it's got the action you're looking for too… Or just catty women hating on each other, either way it's equally entertaining.

8:20 ET: That was the longest man crush segment ever (Ari & Sean sitting in a tree… ewww), but finally we have our first lady introductions.. Desiree is a wedding stylist. Oh great, this couldn't possibly end in disaster or anything!! 

8:22 ET: We meet the "heartbroken" and "family orientated" girl, a.k.a. Tierra, who freaks out over knowing Sean will be The Bachelor. Do we have the "stalker" of the group already?

8:24 ET: Robyn… Ahh, the crazy fun one, but is she serious enough for our football stud Sean? 

8:26 ET: Diana is next & she's a mom and a hair saloon owner – look a built in family for Sean should he choose her. After all he wants to be a family man, right?

8:28 ET: We've got the girl to root for in Sarah from Los Angeles…. She's blonde, down to earth… oh and she's an amputee, losing the bottom half of her left arm at birth – um, hey producer guys/gals – thanks for throwing us all a monkey wrench and not allowing us to make a joke about this girl ever…. Oh screw it, I'm sure there will be some sort of bad pun that will just be sitting out there like a Jim Abbott fastball. There, I got it over with and now I can go back to putting her in the "like" category right out the gate!

8:30 ET: Ashley P – awww, cat woman and Fifty Shades of Grey woman combined… We've got the naughty one of the group who won't win this thing. We all know "cat lady" means major baggage, right?

8:32 ET: Lesly M. hates on nerds and politicians while living in D.C…. She's a hypocrite, so she should fit in well with those politicians she hates and that city she's living in. We wanted to like you, or NOT! We're rooting for you to not get a rose tonight until you prove us wrong.

8:34 ET: Kristy…. a model who can kick some major ass apparently. What's not to love there? Plus she's from Wisconsin (my home state), so I'm rooting for her. She's my front runner, oh wait… what's that… we haven't even seen half the ladies yet? But, but, but… she's from Wisconsin and a Ford model. Whoever said Wisconsin girls aren't good looking can suck it!! 

8:36 ET: AshLee – you can organize your way out of here for that ridiculous spelling of your name, adoption story or not, that spelling of your name screams your parents were a-holes! Hell, you'd fit in on most SEC football teams though – no seriously, take a look at an SEC roster and tell me there isn't some b.s. spelling of a ridiculously common name… I bet you can find at least one on every roster.

746_1dKC6b.St.55.jpeg8:41 ET: The video intro's are done and we have our 1st limo of girls…. Oh the anticipation is just killing me, how about you? Out first? It's our last video girl. AshLee – BOOOOO, lol.

8:45 ET: We've got our first singer of the night, her name is Kelly and not too shabby of a voice… the song sucked but the voice, not too shabby, for a Cruise Line singer… Yep, we've got a crazy cruise line singer on board folks, look out below!

8:45 ET: Haha, you poor suckers probably turned on the National Championship game with your chips, dip and beverages when you could be watching something really entertaining like Sean meeting 25 hot, but bat-shit crazy women! BBBWWWAAAHHHHHH. That'll learn ya to doubt the power of The Bachelor.

8:46 ET: Hey, remember that crazy cat & Fifty Shades of Grey lady from before? She's back and she brought a tie to symbolize what she wants from Sean…. AWKWARD.

8:48 ET: These women will do about anything to get Sean to remember their name, but Robyn's epic fail at a set of back handsprings in a formal dress, well that's the definition of memorable moment… She's staying I bet.

8:49 ET: Paige comes out, nothing out of the ordinary, but she's a Bachelor nut who was on Bachelor Pad 3… Oh and she's a Jumbotron operator for a living. Hell ya, she's on the list of keepers in this sports nut's book, or NOT. Too much blah for me. 

8:50 ET: Remember that Tierra girl we talked about earlier in the show… Ya, she's got Stage 5 clinger written all over her. I mean the girl seriously just gave him the blank death stare w/o saying a word. So, of course, naturally Sean gave her a rose right off the bat. There's our twist of the night. Sean's gonna go bat nuts handing out roses as he see's fit. Yep, the ladies are about to go to catty defcon 5 faster than he can say "Will you accept this rose." (can you say Man Eater much?)

8:59 ET: Our first video intro girl, Desiree, comes out and asks Sean to make a wish with her and throws a penny in the fountain together. Gee… can't imagine what she was wishing for at all there, huh? Sean mumbles to himself "She was really cute," so she'll be around at the end of the night.

9:02 ET: Another favorite for strictly b.s. reasons as Lauren steps out and we see that she's a journalist! Go Team Journalism (oh what's that, there is no Team Journalism?) and such, plus we have to give it up for the smallest state in the union – good ole Rhode Island in the house!

9:04 ET: SON OF A…. Here I thought Desiree would be crazy stalkerish because of her job as a wedding stylist. Ha, was I wrong as Lindsay, a substitute teacher from MO, steps out actually WEARING a freaking wedding dress. Yes, we all get it, you're on a show that's supposed to end in marriage (allegedly), but there's nothing that'll send a man running for the hills faster than seeing a woman in a wedding dress the second you meet. Good gosh almighty!

9:06 ET: Hey Sean… Chris Harrison has a surprise girl in store for you!!! Too bad the world won't know until after this commercial break… 

9:09 ET: Who's this mystery girl… It's Kaci from the last season of The Bachelor. She's here to see if there's something between them, I'm guessing there is. This girl is smoking hot & super nice too… girls beware, Sean's in trouble… Oh and Sean – beware of her parents, you could be in trouble too!!

9:17 ET: Rose number two comes out, and wouldn't you know it, it's Desiree – who's told him she'd design her own wedding dress if that's in the cards… She actually seems very nice and not "stalkerish," thanks ABC and the producers for not feeding into the stereotype this time!

9:22 ET: Three roses handed out and the claws and confusion are coming out too. Who knew ladies would turn that quickly at the sight of a damn flower – I guess let that be a lesson for that special someone who may be out there for me… Anywho, back to regularly scheduled diary postings. 

9:25 ET: and we've got our 1st drunk chick of the night… of course it would also end up being the same girl that stepped out of the limo in a damn wedding dress, Lindsay!! Yep, please keep her around at least for one more week so we can be entertained by this "goofball" as she calls herself.

9:29 ET: Drunk chick No. 2 – I'll give you two guesses. Bet you didn't even need one, yep, it's "Fifty Shades of Grey" lady! Pretty sure we don't need to remember her name anyway as she'll be a goner at the end of this one, right?

9:36 ET: and we've got our 1st crier of the night as well. It's Taryn who's pissed because he hasn't gotten a chance to talk to her yet and "back home my girlfriends wouldn't steal my man" or something like that. Talk about hot mess – see you later Taryn.

9:38 ET: Sarah, the amputee, shows us how it's all done with class and smarts as she seeks Sean out, puts it all out on the table and earns a Rose for her honesty and openness about her situation & what she wants out of life. It's hard not to like this girl.

9:48 ET: ROSE CEREMONY time!!! 12 girls are already safe so this will be a lot shorter for the 1st one. There will only be 19 girls kept. Normally it's 20, but apparently with 26 in the room it's one less staying. Well, some how a drunk chick in a wedding dress who made a sloppy pass gets a rose here… Seriously, no, really, he kept her around. He must've seen something awesome in her, either that or….

Oh please, like you weren't thinking it or like that doesn't happen behind the closed doors of the fantasy suite later on in the show!

Roses: Amanda, AshLee, Brooke, Catherine, Daniella, Desiree, Diana, Jackie, Kacie, Katie, Kristy,Lacey, Lesley M, Leslie H, Lindsay, Robyn, Sarah, Selma, Taryn,Tierra

Goners: Fifty Shades of Grey girl, the Jumbotron girl (boo), cruise line singer girl, and four others that really don't matter in the long run of the show.

What's next: Well, we get a montage of the upcoming season and it sure as hell looks like Tierra is going to have some issues with the girls this season. If you've watched the show before think Courtney from Ben's season – she's hot, not a nice person at all, and fools Sean as to the whole package of who she is. Oh and there's going to be a lot of crazy & exotic dates along the way. Buckle up for a bumpy ride to say the least, but at least there will be hot girls and heartbreak… err finding love along the way, right?

See you all next week as we give you a rundown of the action in a much more compact manner…. We promise!! 

Andrew Coppens

About Andrew Coppens

Andy has been covering college football for nearly half a decade and is the Managing Editor of MadTownBadgers.com. He's also a featured columnist covering college football for Bleacher Report.

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