Everything I know about Andrew Wiggins I learned from Bleacher Report

I watched the McDonald’s All American high school basketball game, and there was this kid named Andrew Wiggins. You wouldn’t believe his skill. I wanted more. I googled his name and the search results were fantastic. There were pages and pages and pages of stories published by Bleacher Report. Yes, the same Bleacher Report that has been advertised on CBS all through the NCAA Tournament. How lucky was I?!

There were 10s of thousands of words written about Andrew Wiggins. There may have been more than 100,000. All on the same site! It wasn’t until I got 10 or 12 articles deep that I came to the realization that there are probably a lot of people out there, who, like me, want to know more about this kid. He’s still not committed to a college. So I figured I’d make a guide based on the totally awesome information I found at Bleacher Report.

You’re welcome!

First, Andrew Wiggins (we’ll just call him Andrew) can make his decision official as soon as April 14 when the national signing period opens for the Class of 2013. You heard me right – just seven more days. The official NCAA site says that the period doesn’t start until April 17th, but they’re a bunch of bureaucrats! A lot of people are going to be surprised on the Sunday the 14th when he dots his I’s and crosses – well, he doesn’t have any T’s. But we won’t be surprised. I just wonder which school it will be.

The four that are left are Florida State, Kansas, North Carolina, and Kentucky.

[Slide 1: Florida State]

Seems weird that Florida State is in there, right? Kansas, UNC, and Kentucky are the blue bloods. FSU is a football school. But his parents went there and are both in the school’s Hall of Fame. So Andrew might go there. But if he does, as this writer so vividly points out, it “would not be simply following in mommy and daddy's footsteps like a good boy. He would be a grown Simba reclaiming the thrown [editor’s note: I believe he meant ‘throne’] rightfully bestowed upon him. The Wiggins family isn't just a duo of great athletes that came [editor’s note: Minds out of the gutters you sickos!], saw and conquered—they're an everlasting brand.”

[Slide 2: Kansas]

Kansas would be interesting, mainly because the Jayhawks are so consistent. Head coach Bill Self accumulates 30-win seasons like yearly physicals and just moves on about his day. 30-win seasons are no bigger deal than a doctor’s finger in his ass. That’s my kind of coach!

The problem is Bill Self’s mediocre resume at developing NBA prospects. He’s been there for nine drafts and only had 9 1st rounders, and just 7 of those were in the lottery. Lame! Only two of his current players are supposed to be drafted in this year’s first round, and only one of them might be the 1st overall pick.

Andrew needs to be aware of that situation, and quick.

[Slide 3: North Carolina]

What about UNC? They’ve had so many incredible players over the years. The “Chapel Hill past-player appeal is large, and we've all heard the names before—stretching from Michael Jeffrey Jordan all the way to Eric Montross.” From MJJ to Montross, bitches!

If you still have all your hair and you don’t know who Montross is, he was the 9th pick in the 1994 draft. It’s not like UNC has a more up-to-date cultural reference for the Jordan to [Insert great UNC player] span. I mean, raise your hand (you show-off) if you’ve heard of Rasheed Wallace, Jerry Stackhouse, Vince Carter, Tyler Hansbrough, Tyler Zeller, John Henson, Kendall Marshall, or Harrison Barnes. Eric Montross was the man! The dude averaged almost 5 points a game in his NBA career.

Back to Andrew Wiggins. The Heels could really use him, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought too. But not so fast, sucka. He might not be able to get minutes for the Tar Heels, so it “could actually be quite the mess. But I don't imagine Wiggins getting himself into such a predicament.” The writer explains that the Heels already have James Michael McAdoo, Reggie Bullock and PJ Hairston. And what if they stayed? How would Roy Williams possibly work Andrew into the rotation?

But, of course, they might all leave. And “truth be told, UNC would be OK if all of them left—as long as you don't expect a deep run in the NCAA tourney. Wiggins and the returners are good, but there would be a serious experience issue.” Got that? McAdoo and Bullock and Hairston all leave, but UNC lands Andrew, it will be okay but don’t expect a deep run. What if Reggie Bullock or PJ Hairston come back and they land Andrew? Then “this team would instantly become a title contender in 2014.”  Even if Wiggins stays away, but Bullock and Hairston both return, then UNC “will still be set to have a stellar 2013-14 campaign.”

Are you confused yet? Good!

I spell it out:

  • All 3 UNC stars leave and Andrew signs with UNC, expect another season like 2012-13.
  • Andrew signs and one of Bullock or Hairston but not McAdoo return, then expect a title run.
  • If Bullock and Hairston return, but McAdoo goes pro and Andrew signs somewhere else, expect a title run.
  • And if Andrew signs somewhere else, and all three UNC players go pro, “expect another season like 2012-13.”

So basically, what Andrew does has absolutely no effect on UNC. Talk about breaking it down!

[Slide 4: Kentucky]

Kentucky is last, but not least. Great players “like to be surrounded by others like them.” Once in a while a player may go the "Shabazz Muhammad" route and opt to be “an incredibly oversized fish in a small pond. But all one has to do is look at the type of experience Muhammad had this past year at UCLA to see how that turned out.” Muhammad must have been crazy to join such a small pond team like the Bruins. They only had 10 guys on scholarship who were consensus top-60 recruits. Sure, that was more than any other team in the nation, but get out of here with playing in that small pond stuff. Andrew needs to be surrounded by ballers.

And at Kentucky, there will be plenty of talent. Six McDonald’s All-American’s already. Which is why there’s been “a ton of ballyhooing about John Calipari's otherworldly recruiting job for the Class of 2013. While, in most cases, feigning [editor’s note: maybe ‘fawning’?] over a recruiting class is an overwrought [editor’s note: no clue here what word he may have been looking for] spring fling that subsides quicker than a summer romance, Kentucky could be on the precipice of history.”

And nobody needs a spring fling that ends quicker than a summer romance, especially not when you’re ballyhooing.

We are ballyhooing about the consensus No. 1 player in the country, after all. So we might as well just pencil it in. If you ask this guy where he thinks the No. 1 recruit is going to play college basketball it’s simple: “I'm just going to say Kentucky”, he said, simply. “I don't need to know who the recruit is, what his preferences are or where he is from. That is just where No. 1 recruits go these days.”

Spot on, bro! Since John Calipari took over at at Kentucky the last five consensus No. 1 players have all gone there, which is crazy. I mean, I know Calipari can recruit, but come on! Just wait until all their jerseys are in the rafters. They should do them all at once, too, because nothing says Kentucky like the No. 1 rated recruits: Shabazz Muhammad. Anthony Davis. Harrison Barnes. Derrick Favors. Brandon Jennings. The Wildcat memories with those guys!

Thanks Bleacher Report! I’m so well informed right now! I now know so much about Andrew that I think I could write for Bleacher Report.

Kidding! Of course!!