Inside the John Calipari Basketball Fantasy promotional video

0:07: We have our first do-rag sighting, and nothing says straight baller like a 48-year-old, bald, gastroenterologist in a do-rag and mid-thigh gym shorts.

0:13: Kyle Wiltjer is reviewing something. Perhaps a roster. On that roster are the names of a bunch of rich guys paying between $7,500 and $12,500 for a full day of the John Calipari Basketball Fantasy Experience, so that they can pretend to be Kyle Wiltjer. The whole camps clears around $700,000, which I'm sure absolutely thrills the Kentucky basketball players, considering that all of that money is being made because of them, but they don't actually get any of it. So instead of rolling out of bed and checking the mail to see if their latest royalty check has arrived for allowing Kentucky and the NCAA to market their image, they get to spend their saturday pretending that they like a bunch of old guys who keep picking up their dribble. Basically, in the US, if you are attending any sort of 'fantasy' experience it means that you're paying someone to pretend that they like you. Whether it's the 20-year-old hottie at the strip club, or the ex-college jock – you give them your money and they smile (or grind) while secretly hating you.

0:38: Jump ball! But only one camper actually gets high enough to tip the ball before gravity puts a small dent in their fantasy dreams.

0:41: Time lapse sequence of Anthony Davis wearing his OIympic gold medal and taking photographs, one-by-one, with something like 120 campers. This was one month after he signed his 3-year, $16 million dollar contract, which was almost put in jeaopardy when he blew out his knee after he was forced to attend college for a year rather than enter the work force thanks to a bunch of rich, old, white dudes like the ones he is posing with.

1:02: If you're wondering about the level of basketball at these things, we're now just over a minute into the video and already have our second jump ball presented as a highlight. Still waiting for the bounce pass highlight.

1:21: Hot chicks in tiny black dresses making cocktails. At's right.

1:32: Lefty jumper and it's wet! Not bad old man. For those at home you're not allowed to attend this camp if you're not over the age of 35, which isn't even a little bit creepy. The good news is that this year's camp is less expensive than the 2012 version, but that's what happens when you're the coach of an NIT team that lost to Robert Morris. The costs have dropped about 10%, and they're allowing about 40% fewer attendees.

1:32: And by the way, what the heck is this music? [delay, while googling] [I'm back] Apparently it's a guy named Richard Andrew who goes by the stage name Outasight, and his music is fucking dreadful. This is his hit. It seems to be about a bunch of young people living large because, based on the intro, they'll one day be wondering the streets of New York City drunk and unable to find a place to sleep because they only make minimum wage. Great choice!

1:52: Fantasy camper pitch: "I know it costs a lot of money, but you know, use your life savings, collect food stamps, I don't care. Use your kids college fund." Alright, maybe the song does make a little sense.

2:21: The game is over. During the game exactly zero black people appeared on court who weren't paid to be there by Kentucky (and are there to play in the alumni game).

3:10: The video ends on the most Fantasy Camp scene ever. Some dude has nailed just a running 15-foot footer and everyone retreats into the huddle for a series of chest bumps and ass slapping. Then the short dude in the huddle raises his hand for a high five and gets completely left hanging. Fade out.