london

I Wanna Marry ‘Harry’ Episode 4 recap: Ding dong! The witch is dead

Before we get to this week’s recap, I’d like to point out something I’ve noticed, and this is how little publicity this show is getting on gossip rags such as People.com and US Weekly. The same sites that devote pages to the Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom’s 1-100, The Real Housewives of Beverly Orange Jersey Atlanta County and countless iterations of the Bachelor/ette will not touch this show because why would anyone devote their time to watching this big huge pile of… oh, wait.

And also, one of my friends sent me a link to an interview with Sir but warned me that it had spoilers in it. I opted to not read it, so as not to spoil the authenticity of my recaps. You’re welcome.

Episode four opens with Rose saying she thinks Sir is important, but if it turns out that he IS in fact Prince Harry and it took her this long to figure it out, she’ll feel like a giant “ding-dong.” I think Rose is a giant ding-dong regardless, but that’s neither here nor there.

rose

Anna Lisa decides these extravagant dates means that Sir is a man who can get what he wants and she has to give him something he doesn’t have. An STD, perhaps? Rim shot.

Then we see Sir planting in his suite a framed pic of himself Photoshopped next to Prince William for one of the girls to find, presumably Karina since she’s the latest Skank Suite occupant. And with a note slipped under her door, Karina is off to Sir’s suite for some breakfast. Karina mentions she’s not sure whether or not this is Prince Harry and is just trying to get to know this guy. Uh-huh.

planted

Karina asks Sir to tell her something about himself that he hasn’t told any of the other girls and his response is that his birthday is coming up soon. She’s acting like that’s the most interesting factoid EVER (P.S. A quick Google search tells me the real Prince Harry’s birthday is September 15).

Sir conveniently gets up to “pop to the loo” and while he’s gone, Karina notices the strategically placed Photoshopped picture that is conveniently right in her eyesight as soon as Sir gets up. As she examines the photo, she looks as if she’s won the lottery.

Karina asks Sir point blank when he returns, “Is that you and your brother?” And he says yes. And then says it was taken at a polo event and does she play polo and at this point she can’t really form complete sentences because she’s too busy picturing herself having brunch with Kate and Will in her very own tiara in the English countryside right after Sir puts a ring on it.

karina

After breakfast, Karina leaves wondering whether or not to keep this little development to herself. She does tell the others about the picture. And Meghan with the crazy eyes is scaring me. And Maggie is, well, Maggie. The girls, throughout the previous episodes, keep mentioning Sir’s love for Vegas so that OBVIOUSLY means it HAS to be Prince Harry and they mention it AGAIN during this post-breakfast rehash.

Maggie then also says she feels like a really big ding-dong. Were the producers all, “Hey, let’s bring back this childish word from the early 90s and make the girls use it to describe themselves?”

dingdong

Kelley says she’s known this whole TIME that Sir is Prince Harry, proving thus far she might be the biggest ding-dong in the group.

When it’s time to venture out of the castle, Kingsley is there waiting for them, looking as ridiculous as ever, and tells them that some of them will be going horseback riding, while the others will be mucking out the stables.

horses

Riding the horses will be Chelsea and Maggie (cue the jump up and squeal reaction). The rest of the group will be cleaning up horse shit. Sir picked Chelsea and Maggie because he needs to determine if he has chemistry with either of them and/or if one of them needs to be added to the Fake Prince Discard Pile.

And when Sir trots up to them on his horse, could Fox BE channeling a Disney movie any harder?

Chelsea tells us she doesn’t care whether or not Sir is Prince Harry. Chelsea is not afraid to approach him you guys okay? She’s like FEARLESS. She’s also 21. The girls ask him what his type is (fun and spontaneous — eyeroll), and about his past relationships (one or two long-term, but nothing stuck).

Of course, that’s a natural segue for Chelsea to ask Sir if he’s ever dated a black girl and he said he hasn’t, but color is not a factor. He likes that she is up front and down to Earth. Maggie looks uncomfortable until Sir tells her she’s a natural on a horse, Chelsea throws her some shade, and Maggie says this is an amazing thing to share with Prince Harry except for the fact that Chelsea is also there and how awful.

shade

Meanwhile, all the other girls picking up horse shit are not happy. But it is a metaphor for the entire show, so they should just embrace it. Someone mentions that they’re cleaning all of this shit up when they didn’t even get to RIDE the horse and Meghan helpfully points out they didn’t get to ride ANYTHING, which is probably not even true. They’re all probably taking turns sneaking in to Sir’s suite for a British pound.

Kelley raises her hand and is like, “Y’all, does Sir want his LADY to be able to do this?” Because if so, they should all SHUT IT and learn how to muck because then he will like them more. That is, of course, logical — Sir will like anyone more who is willing to put up with and clean up his shit, literal or not.

kelley

Someone makes a joke about wondering whether Maggie will stay sober enough to stay on her horse. Which then brings us to the little lunch that Sir has set up for his lady friends. Maggie is offered either beer or cider, and we’re not sure if the cider is hard or not, but Maggie would LOVE a beer. And Chelsea is all “of COURSE you would” and Maggie — who by the way needs to reconsider the simultaneous use of tanning spray and tanning beds — is all, “don’t fucking SAY that to me in front of him” because the whole idea here is to hide the truth about ourselves in order to find lasting romance.

Maggie thinks that Chelsea pointing out her drunken antics is a dirty move and is PISSED off, you guys. Chelsea doesn’t even attempt to be passive-aggressive in her derisive comments towards Maggie. She is as forward as they come, and poor Sir is uncomfortable and says the lunch was a struggle because the girls aren’t getting along. At this point, my gut tells me that Sir is going to say sayonara to Chelsea.

maggie

That night, back at the castle, Maggie is still pissed and is all ROAR WHY DID YOU MAKE FUN OF MY BEER DRINKING. Chelsea kindly points out that if Maggie were REALLY embarrassed about her alcohol consumption, she wouldn’t be getting “piss-ass drunk” every night. Meghan loves this because for once, she’s not the one involved in the cat fight. Actually it’s more like two drunk raccoons fighting in a trash can. After dinner, they retire upstairs to continue fighting loud enough that Sir can hear them.

Kelley doesn’t understand why there are fights going on when everyone should really just be focused on Prince Harry.

The next morning as the girls eat breakfast, Kingsley announces Karina will be going on an exclusive excursion with Sir. When her mode of transportation — a helicopter — arrives, they all start squealing like the WOO Girls that they are.

There is one girl here who is not picking up what Fox is trying to put down, and that is Anna Lisa. She doesn’t think Sir is Prince Harry.

Meanwhile, Sir and Karina fly to London. When he points out Buckingham Palace to her, it occurs to me that she might expect him to take her there — and how would we get around THAT conundrum, Sir? When they land in London and a Rolls Royce picks them up, Karina, I think, decides that she’s in love.

Then they are on a boat, but sans flippy-floppies. In fact, Karina’s outfit makes her look like a day shift hooker at a casino in Reno, but hey, whatever works.

outfit

While they are on the boat, the producers plant some fake Prince Harry fans on London Bridge or whatever bridge. (Actually it’s Tower Bridge. I’ve been informed that London Bridge is no longer actually in London and any Brit would know that.) As the boat approaches, our fair ladies scream their lungs out at Sir. Karina eats it up.

Back at the castle, Chelsea announces she’s bored. They appear to all be drinking outside, so Maggie’s good. The girls start arguing for reasons of which I am still unaware. The producers were probably like “Just start yelling at each other, the subject is irrelevant!” Jacqueline then points out that Maggie and Anna Lisa are being bullies when two episodes ago, Jacqueline was the only person who could even tolerate Maggie. I guess it’s easy to turn on a scripted dime.

fight

Back on the boat, Karina is trying to get more information about a day in the life of Sir. He word-vomits something about how it doesn’t matter what you do, it just matters who you’re with. And then they start making out and Karina has REAL FEELINGS NOW, YOU GUYS. Sir lets us know his connection with Karina is an automatic attraction. He says to her, “I quite like you,” and you know I actually DO believe him.

Karina comes back to the castle and her first comment about the date is, “We make out.” Here is how Kimberly and Maggie feel about this:

fake

Maggie is REALLY, REALLY jealous that our fake prince hasn’t slipped her the tongue yet. Oh, the injustice of it all. I doubt Maggie will be sent home just yet, though, because she is giving us a lot of material to work with, and that’s what the producers need.

Karina also tells them about the girls on the bridge screaming and let’s pause to not only look at Anna Lisa’s reaction because she’s the one not buying this charade, but also the fake eyelashes. They are WAY. TOO. MUCH.

eyelashes

Maggie decides they don’t need any more proof. This guy is most definitely Prince Harry.

When it’s time for dinner, Chelsea is missing. She’s so upset and angry about how everyone hates her for not wanting to be their friend that she skips dinner. Is this logic making anyone else dizzy? The other girls wonder how Sir can’t see what they see in Chelsea, until someone points out Kingsley HAS to be telling him everything because he’s always there (not creepy at ALL) so no one should have to worry.

During this discussion, a different butler comes to collect Karina and tells her that Sir wants to see her in the Master Suite for drinks. She’s all, “I feel bad, but okay!” Translation: PEACE OUT BITCHES!!

suite

Sir is all, “what you see here is me,” and then launches into a monologue about how lying to someone you have feelings for feels a bit wrong. YA THINK? And then there is more making out. And then the other girls start doing shots. Kelley is tired of being in the corner. She wants a shot at the Crown Suite.

Maggie slurs something about how if Sir’s sir is little, then she’s out. Classy.

In the morning, Chelsea is still MIA, but is apparently able to request alone time with Sir and he complies.

They sit on a bench while she rats out all the other girls for being catty little bitches. Sir doesn’t know how to handle this and then he asks her what she’s really saying. And what she’s really saying is that she needs to leave the castle, because there is too much negativity going on and no, there is nothing that Sir can do to persuade her to stay. While she doesn’t name names, she tells him it’s the group that’s in his face the most — and he can draw his own conclusions.

chelsea

When Chelsea announces that she’s leaving, no one seems particularly upset. They try to pretend, but anyone who isn’t headless can tell they’re relieved.

Kingsley informs the remaining group that Sir would like to spend time with them all in the main garden.

They play badminton. Kelley has a one track mind at this point. She will do whatever it takes.

After the game, Sir pulls Anna Lisa — our one remaining skeptic — aside for a chat. She asks about Vegas (what IS it with you bitches and Vegas??) and what his “duties” are and he’s all, “I can’t really say,” and gives some vague answer about them being family-related and involving charities. Sir is completely overwhelmed because Anna Lisa is no ding-dong and she’s not buying this act and she claims he doesn’t have enough freckles to BE Prince Harry and she wants ANSWERS, DAMMIT.

To deflect, Sir asks Anna Lisa what SHE wants out of this experience. She said she didn’t have expectations but everyone here is SO GREAT.

They rejoin the group, where everyone else is in the hot tub with some bubbly. Maggie suggests that they play Truth or Dare because of course she does. The first dare goes to Rose, who is informed she has to do the Chicken Dance in front of one of Sir’s bodyguards. Rose goes to town. It’s painful to watch.

hottub

Notice that the only person not watching Rose’s antics is Meghan, who has her attention squarely on Sir. Then, out of the blue, Meghan starts calling Sir “Babe.” She says that “Babe” is eye-humping her from across the hot tub, that they’re playing footsies, and that “Babe” is TOTALLY telling her that she is his favorite (with his EYES). He doesn’t look like he’s eye-fucking her so much as he looks like he’s FLAT-OUT LAUGHING AT HER FOR BEING RIDICULOUS.

babe

That night, the girls wonder if there will be an elimination since Chelsea already eliminated herself, but they know that someone new is DEFINITELY going to the Skank Suite. Maggie is all CHEERS TO TOP EIGHT. And I don’t think her math is so great because top eight of 12 is not exactly an honor.

Kingsley comes in and says that Sir has given this a great deal of thought and would like to speak to Anna Lisa. Then the girls decide for SURE that no one is getting eliminated because otherwise they would have called two girls instead of one and that’s like as good as being in the top eight of 12!

Then, Kingsley comes back. And announces that Sir wants to speak to Kelley. She auto-assumes that means she is out. So she starts crying. Kelley is a mess.

mess

Anna Lisa gets the boot. She is all, “He just doesn’t like beauty queens.” (Apparently she is Miss Los Angeles, which I did not know existed).

When Sir asks Kelley to move in to the Skank Suite, she makes a sound like what I imagine would be a female mouse giving birth.

His choices are so obvious it’s kind of sad,. He picked the two girls on the opposite end of the spectrum: the one who was not convinced and was making his charade more difficult, and the one that hasn’t even kissed him yet but started bawling at the thought of Prince Harry eliminating her because THIS IS JUST LIKE THE NOTEBOOK, Y’ALL.

Until next week…

Reva Friedel

About Reva Friedel

Reva is a staff writer for Awful Announcing and the AP Party. She lives in Orange County and roots for zero California teams.

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