recap_feature

I Wanna Marry ‘Harry’ Episodes 5-8 Recap: Bitches be crazy

To the surprise of no one, this train wreck of a show was cancelled shortly after I posted my Episode 4 recap.

I wasn’t upset over the actual cancellation so much as how much time and effort I put in to these recaps and there was no way I couldn’t watch the rest of the episodes to find out who won this shit show. So, naturally, my friend Audrey suggested that we binge-watch the final four episodes. (At least we were given the favor of only having to deal with eight episodes vs. 35 or however many episodes long The Bachelor is.) And binge watch we did. With alcohol.

I was going to keep some of my Fireball-infused comments in these recaps except by the time we got to the final one, a baboon would have been easier to understand. So, without further ado, I present the final four recaps. Now someone buy me a drink!

Episode 5

Before the episode even starts, we see a clip of Kingsley telling the remaining ding dongs that “Sir” is in fact Prince Harry of Wales. Just so we know what’s coming, as if it was unclear before.

We then see Kingsley with the girls outside while he tells them they can raise an American flag at Deerfield Castle. This castle has a name, and they are going to be competing in a beauty pageant to vie for the coveted title of Miss Deerfield or something. The Miss Liberty pageant at the Malibu Sands Beach Club was more legit. Kim knows what’s up and she’s not impressed.

pageant_rxn

Meanwhile… Kelley is reading a book on England in the Skank Suite waiting to be retrieved for her date with Sir. She is taking this more seriously than ANYONE.

england_book

In his suite, Sir tells Kelley he thinks that out of all the girls she is the one who KNOWS who he is, but he wants her to forget about that and she says that she only cares about who HE is not what his NAME is.

Sir then surprises her with a ride in some fancy red car that I cannot identify. They go to a diner that is supposed to be an American Diner. Kelley spends the meal giving Sir come fuck me eyes thusly.

CFM_eyes

This is total bullshit, though. Kelley definitely got shafted on her date. I mean, Karina got a helicopter ride followed by a boat ride, and Kimberly got a hot air balloon ride, but Kelley gets no ride, proverbial or literal. She gets to eat a burger at a diner in the middle of nowhere with a D-List version of Prince Harry.

Back at the castle, the rest of these ding-a-lings are getting ready for the pageant — but I was too distracted by all their high-pitched squealing to figure out who was doing what for their talent.

Sir starts to tear up talking about how hard it is lying to Kelley, especially after she reveals during their date that she’s a cancer survivor.  Kelley says that her date with Sir was the best date she’s ever been on in her entire life and oh my god can we all PLEASE raise our standards? Child, he took you out for a fucking burger.

During the obligatory date recap with the group, Rose fakes being impressed about Kelley’s date, and since it was just at a diner, everyone is all, “she’s definitely in the friend zone.” Her face is all, “That’s so cute that you think you have a fighting chance in this thing.” I imagine that’s the same look she gives her preschool students when they successfully use the bathroom.

rose_fake

Then they get called to the dining room. Kingsley comes in and tells the girls that it has come to his attention that someone has figured out who Sir is, and he confirms that Sir is indeed His Royal Highness Prince Harry of Wales, and everyone’s mouths drop open. Enough with the open mouths. These bitches open their mouths at the drop of a word and also, Jackie, the makeup. No.

jackie_no

One of them, possibly Rose, is all, “How dumb are we that it took us this long to figure out who he was?” and I’m thinking how dumb are you to believe whatever this creepy butler tells you when there is ample physical evidence that contradicts what he just said.

Maggie identifies Kelley as the girl who figured out Sir’s “identity” and starts grilling her as to HOW she knew and Kelley won’t tell her and this does not go over well with Maggie, who now thinks Kelley is a psychotic stage five clinger because she won’t tell them what “Sir” told her to confirm his “identity.”

When it comes time for the pageant, no one actually displays any discernible talent. Maggie does a special cheer that is the most painful thing I have ever seen. Meghan does stand-up but her jokes fall flat. Kimberley plays the foot piano. Rose teaches what we think is CPR and demonstrates on Sir except that she is really showing us how to steal a prince’s heart. Jackie hula hoops. Kelley square dances. Karina does some sort of stripper dance, declaring that she is not nervous that she has to do this in front of Prince Harry and is just going to pretend that she is out at the bars.

karina_talent

Then come the bikinis. Kingsley asks each of them why they should be crowned Miss Deerfield. None of the answers make any sense. Kelley says she will run the estate with dignity, and everyone behind her rolls their eyes. She is getting this crown no matter what, y’all. Maggie launches in to a longer speech, saying she is developing feelings for Sir. And she says she would be the best Queen but apparently doesn’t understand the hierarchy of the crown.

Then Jackie wins, probably because of the hula hooping and those hip and neck talents don’t lie. One of my friends once told me that she saw a guy she liked hula hoop very badly and determined that he’d be less than stellar in el bedroom.

That evening, Sir comes in his pajamas to the girls’ room and they drink wine, while Kelley throws shade at Meghan and then he suggests they play hide and seek.

Meghan says Kelley is so far up Sir’s ass that we’ve lost her. Meghan pinches Sir’s ass. She says he eye-sexes her. Kelley hates her and thinks she is a skank.

The American theme continues the next night with a carnival. And this is what Kingsley wears to announce it. Seriously — whatever they’re paying this dude, it’s not enough.

kingsley_carnival

Meghan says she is excited to get her hands on Sir’s crown jewels. Kimberly wins the eating contest because she wants to show off how she’s mastered the art of swallowing. Maggie tells Kelley to back off and goes on a ferris wheel ride with Sir.

Then there’s dinner. Kelley goes to town on her burger and Meghan is disgusted and asks if she was raised in a barn. Sir then comes to her defense. Maggie tries to start talking in a British accent.

Maggie and Meghan are summoned by Kingsley. Maggie starts crying and squealing like a howler monkey before she even knows if she’s safe or not. Kelley has “I’m going to boil a rabbit” eyes because Meghan is definitely her arch-nemesis now and she’d rather jump off a bridge than see Meghan survive another round.

Maggie, through tears, tells Sir it was like REALLY hard for her to tell him she has feelings for him in front of everyone.

Sir tells Meghan she’s a little TOO confident and he would have liked to see a more humble side of her. So because they are making it seem that Meghan is out, it’s Maggie who actually gets the boot and is added to the Fake Prince Discard Pile.

I genuinely feel sorry for Maggie. Because while Sir is rejecting her, he’s also doing it in a nice, affectionate way, which makes it that much harder, but also a little patronizing. Maggie is trying to take it like a champ but she’s really upset, even though she’s better off without this liar with the fiery pants. She lives in Chicago which is an amazing city chock full of eligible gents. Also, he tells her that she’s amazing, and there are few things I hate more than the “You’re amazing, but…” speech, so I kind of wish Maggie had clocked his ass, but oh well. Girl, if I ever run into you back in Chicago, shots are on me!

Meghan gets elevated to the Skank Suite. And she climbs onto his lap out of joy.

Then the claws come out. Kelley wants to jump off “something” because Meghan got the suite and Tacky Jackie gives the fakest congrats I’ve ever seen. Meghan says that Kelley is jealous of what she and Babe have. Kelley says she has to do SOMETHING about this because Meghan is a fake bitch.

Episode 6

Some military people with whistles rustle up the girls at 5 a.m. for some reason. Kelley immediately jumps in about how it’s not fair that Meghan gets to sleep in since SHE is in the Skank Suite and HOW DARE SHE.

The military dudes instruct the girls to get dressed, and next we see, they are lined up wearing tank tops with their names on them, to go with flawless hair and makeup.

bootcamp

Kingsley asks Meghan to join Babe in his private suite for brunch. She goes in her pajamas and he’s all dressed and she feels like a ding dong and then to exacerbate the point of how big of a ding dong she actually is, she asks Sir if it’s okay if she calls him Babe.

Babe tells her the girls have been whisked away to boot camp. Meghan says that with a gun to her head and a husband and Chanel bag on the line, she STILL wouldn’t do boot camp.

We’re told that the winner of the Military Challenge, as they’re calling it, will win pampering with the Prince. Jackie points out that for her, losing is not an option, because she is the only remaining lady who has not been in the Skank Suite.

Meanwhile, Meghan and Babe play tennis and she’s all, “This should be more extravagant.” But she can still say she played tennis with “Prince Harry.”

Meghan would also like you to know that she would like to jump Babe’s bones.

Kelley wins the Military Challenge — unsurprisingly. Rose has the upper strength of a cat (her words) and all the girls say that Kelley will do whatever it takes to win — which is TRUE, don’t get me wrong — but maybe also she’s just in the best shape because everyone weighs like 100 pounds?

Meghan, meanwhile, gets like the longest date ever. That continues into the night.

They have dinner. Meghan tells Babe that he’s the first guy she’s liked since her breakup a year ago, but now her protective wall is down. She asks Babe when his last relationship was, and he vaguely answers because he has no idea about Prince Harry’s actual love life. Then there are fireworks, with the open mouth and the calling him Babe and the making out. The look on his face is that of someone who actually INVENTED fireworks.

fireworks

Seriously — these bitches and their wide open pie holes.

Kelley does not like the fireworks. She is in agony, and no wonder. Her arch nemesis is getting an eight- to 12-hour date with fireworks, literal and otherwise, and all Kelley got was a second-rate hamburger at a diner in the woods.

Meghan and Babe venture in to a tent/canvas cabana with a really big bed and wine. Babe wants her to like him for him and tells her this while he strokes her ass.

tent

During the date recap with the group, you can tell Kelley does NOT like hearing about this date. Jackie says way to blow up Meghan’s head even more, and now her head is at least bigger than her boobs at this point. EVERY GIRL DEFINITELY FEELS LIKE SHE IS FALLING FOR PRINCE HARRY.

Kelley is falling in love, you guys, and needs to let him know the truth about Meghan with her evil witch cackle.

Kelley is now ready to get pampered. She immediately starts talking shit about Meghan. She tells Sir that Meghan has started all the fights that he doesn’t know about and living in this castle with her is like being attacked by a vulture. Except two episodes ago, it was Chelsea and this episode, it’s Meghan and we don’t have Maggie anymore to get drunk and distract everyone. The pampering scene is cut short probably because they had to make use of the massage oil in manners better left to the imagination.

Kingsley announces that Sir has arranged for them to have a traditional English experience of going to a Pub. Pause for reaction.

pub

Rose says they feel like the Spice Girls getting on their tour bus.

On the bus — sans Meghan, because as the Skank Suite winner, she gets to ride to the pub with Babe — Kelley tells everyone what she told Sir about Meghan. Kimberly is concerned if Meghan picks the gentleman he will get his heart broken.

At the pub, Sir asks if there has been tension in the house and Meghan says no, it’s been smooth sailing. Then Kelley takes this opportunity to throw Meghan under the bus, saying something oddly specific about her big chest and beautiful hair and attitude, and the other girls start jumping in and name Meghan by name saying she’s rude, etc., etc., etc. and a shit talker. Meghan really doesn’t want Prince Harry, who she is falling in love with, to hear these things because she does not want BABE to think she is like this.

Then the fake paparazzi come back and everyone gets whisked away abruptly.

Kingsley announces that tonight is Casino Night and no one’s mouth drops open, except mine because Yay Vegas! Although the room they are in looks like the board game Clue come to life — and it was definitely Meghan in the library with the revolver because she hates all these bitches now.

clue

Sir then pulls the chicas aside, Kimberly first, and asks about Meghan and then makes out with her.

Meghan is next and says people should not have confronted her in front of Sir because that was not fair.

Jackie says something interesting to Sir, which is that Meghan is only interested in glamour and if she were to meet a “normal” guy, she would not be interested. Way to plant the seeds of elimination in a perfectly stitched together scene.

This whole time, Matt “Not really Prince Harry” Hicks has said he wants whoever he ends up with to be okay with him not being royalty. (Also, they should be okay with being intentionally deceived and manipulated.) Meghan is not that person and that worries him, because at the end of the day he’s just an average bloke that won’t be able to arrange private dates anymore and will just have to take his girlfriends mini-golfing like most guys.

It’s time for another girl to leave.

Sir wishes to speak to Jacqueline and Kimberly. Meghan is relieved that she gets to stay and that means Babe TOTALLY has faith in their relationship.

This time, there is no bullshitting and Kimberly is sent to the Skank Suite for the second time and he tells her right away. Then we see Jackie with ghetto neck get rejected and she tells Sir to open his eyes.

Meghan and Kelley get into a cat fight about all the shit-talking. Meghan says that Kelley handed Sir drama on a silver platter and she says that no, he asked her what was going on — which is not true at all from what we’ve seen. Of course, it could be true and they conveniently left that clip out so we can see that Kelley has had an agenda this whole time, which is to eliminate the girl who poses the biggest threat to her plan to move from Podunkville, Alabama and be Prince Harry’s lady.

Kingsley then comes in and says the evening is going to end and to please return to their rooms except for… Meghan. Sir would like to have a private conversation with her in the master suite.

Meghan thinks he is going to ask her to stay in the master suite with him.

When she gets there, Sir launches in to a speech you know probably won’t end well since there’s no wine like Karina had when she got to join him in the suite. He says that anyone he ends up with has to fit in a group dynamic without being a shit-stirrer. (Except that’s everyone on the show and that’s ESPECIALLY Kelley, but okay.) Meghan figures out where this is going and whispers “Spit it out, Babe.”

Babe asks her to leave.

She gets up and just leaves without so much as even a goodbye French. (How rude!) I wonder if she was eliminated for her attitude or because of how ironic it is that once she lets her guard down, she gets her heart broken all over again.

Sir saw some character traits he was not fond of, even though he and Meghan had an incredibly romantic date.

Meghan says she is SIDESWIPED, but I think she means blindsided. She is 100% sure Kelley sabotaged her, and BABE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING.

Episode 7

Matt invites everyone to an English Country Spa, where Kimberly will get an intimate dinner as Skank Suite winner.  Everyone else gets limited private time. They’re excited.

final four

Karina is the first one who gets private time and is completely falling in love, you guys, so she immediately starts making out with Sir in a pool. Karina is like SO HAPPY and SO VAPID because she had no interest before she thought he was a prince.

Then Kelley’s date is next and she wants to remind us that she has not kissed Prince Harry yet. Kelley is mad that Sir hasn’t kissed her yet, but he’s been making out with everyone else.

So then he gives her this opportunity: If she could ask him any question about himself that she would like to know, what would it be? Kelley decides she would like to know whether or not he is good at kissing and he needs to show her later. Matt tells us that while on paper Kelley checks off every box on a list of what he’s looking for, he might not have interest in her actual box, which would be problematic.

Rose gets the third one-on-one and needs to remind Sir why she’s there, because she got the first private date but since then has faded in to the background — and yes, she’s ready to handle the pressure that comes with dating a prince. Rose talks about how she is not ashamed of herself and who she is and she’s really ready to be serious, and now Sir is worried she has become too emotionally invested — but HI HAVE YOU MET KELLEY?

Kim gets another one-on-one and talks about how she got cheated on three years ago, and as a result it now takes her a long time to open up.  The saddest part about this is that Kim is 23, so she was 20 when she got cheated on and declared that her heart would not go on. That’s so young — and I get it, we’ve all been there — but as an older and wiser person, I’m finding the declarative statements coming from these girls to be beyond painful.

Then, of course, there is more hot-tubbing and making out.

When everyone returns to the castle, they have a toga party in honor of Sir’s birthday. Kingsley is still calling him Sir, which is a bit ridiculous at this point, but then again so am I, so moving on.

Karina is super pumped to party the way Prince Harry parties, which apparently involves something called Toga Tangle and Suck and Blow.

Then there is a kissing game WITH SIR BLINDFOLDED, and now Kelley can finally kiss him because she’s been friend-zoned the whole time. Kelley GOES TO TOWN AND IS ALL TONGUE and looks like she is going to devour him. Kingsley is moderating this whole thing, by the way, which elevates the level of creepy to something with mile-high status.

creepy

Sir has to pick the best kisser. He picks Karina.

Karina asks Sir how old William is. He says 30 and Kelley is like, so he’s just one year older. Sir realizes his mistake because William is actually 31 (at the time of filming) and TWO years older, so that math just doesn’t work for Rose, who knows FOR A FACT that William is two years older. But if she knew that for a fact, wouldn’t she also know what Harry goddamn looks like? Am I REACHING for the stars here with this logic?

Rose starts to piece everything together and realizes that they’re being lied to and this cannot possibly be Prince Harry. But she’s not going to tell the other girls because it is not her place. Rose is struggling to come to terms with the fact that her dreams of dating a prince are now over.

Karina shows Kelley a pic of her ex-boyfriend, her first real heartbreak, and Kelley says that she has to do something about this because Karina cannot take Prince Harry away from Kelley when she is clearly not over her ex. Someone should take Kelley off her little pedestal of power because things are getting out of hand.

When it’s time for each of them to plan their last-chance dates with Sir, Rose tells us she’s not ready to just walk away because she has a connection with him, “whoever he is.”

Kelley plans a bicycle ride in the rain. She seems so proud of herself and he’s sort of like WTF is this, some kind of joke?

bike

No wonder her only kiss with him has been when he was forced and blindfolded.

Kimberly sets up bungee jumping then refuses to do it, so therefore decides she eliminated herself. Because of this, she takesies backsies and does it.

Karina picks wine tasting because she’s classy and let’s get hammered.

Then Rose “I’m not sure this is Prince Harry” decides their date should be on a bed in a library with a fireplace. But she has no problem making out with him for who he is, because if he’s not Prince Harry he’s probably still loaded.

Kelley thinks Karina is still in love with her soccer player ex-boyfriend.

Sir would like to speak with Kelley.

Sir jumps into what you assume is another rejection monologue, but then asks Kelley to stay and she cannot handle it. She’s been regal and he knows that, right? Sir tells her that she’s still here for a reason. Although what that reason is escapes me.

Then Sir is not finished and wants to speak to Kimberly. So we don’t know who is going home: Kim or Karina.

Karina gets to stay.

Kimberly gets to stay.

Rose is the only one left — and Sir comes to the dinner table. So Rose must be out.

He says she is the hardest to talk to, but really the issue is that she’s no ding dong anymore.

They have a connection, but Rose says that they BOTH know that he is NOT Prince Harry and the entire conversation was probably one giant voice-over in between cuts of them staring at each other because when we hear her say, “We both know you are not Prince Harry,” we see Sir’s face, and when he says, “My name is Matt Hicks,” we see HER face.

So this is probably not how this elimination happened at all, but the producers needed a scapegoat and even though it should have been Kelley, she probably would have shanked everyone. So fearful for everyone’s safety, Kelley lives to see another day.

Kim is surprised Kelley was not sent home, because lately something has been off with her (Ya think??) and Karina also feels something is off with Kelley. But Kelley still thinks Prince Harry should know that Karina is still in love with her ex and she has to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

Episode 8

We see that if the winner accepts Sir for who he is/not, she and Matt will get to split $250,000. Even Sir does not know about this. Sir wants them to see past what has come with the package of him being Prince Harry and be okay with him not being able to afford a car and taking his dates to places like Ye Ole Grand Ale House to play darts and drink Guinness. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but he’s just set the bar incredibly high and it’s about to come crashing down just when everyone is ready to pole-vault over it.

To help him decide on how to narrow down three to one, Kingsley announces that Sir will be taking the three remaining ladies on three special dates to London landmarks.

Kelley wonders what Kate Middleton is doing that day, while Karina is wondering how Kelley is hurting her chances to be with Harry. Kelley is just super intense. She knows Sir has been physical with the other two, but not her and takes this as a hint that she needs to be MORE aggressive to make her level of interest clear. Child, Stevie Wonder can see that your level of interest is through the roof.

tension

Kelley wants us to know she is the only person there for the right reasons. She tells us Kim and Karina are still hung up on their exes, but Kelley is in it to win it and how dare anyone question her?

Kelley is going to do whatever it takes. She’s not kidding. For her special date, she gets lunch on the 38th floor of the Gherkin. And what do you know, she actually gets some closed-mouth action, which is an upgrade from Peck-On-the-Cheekville. Sir thinks Kelley is so gung-ho that she’s pushing him to lie more and more, which actually makes no sense because she literally believes whatever comes out of his mouth.

She tells Sir that Karina and Kim are both willing to take Sir’s sloppy seconds if they get sent home and FURTHERMORE, he needs to know that Karina still keeps a picture of her ex in her wallet. So she doesn’t TELL him, rather she implies, but says he should ask more questions. Kelley is aspiring to be Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction but with the façade of Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle. Well, guess what chica? In the end, they’re both stalkers!

Sir says he’s really worried about how Kelley will react when she finds out he’s not Prince Harry, which I am pretty sure is the same thing he’s said about Rose and Meghan.

Karina’s date is next and she gets to go up in the Eye with Sir. Sir would like to know where he stands, so asks when her last relationship was and whether or not she was over it. Kind of late in the game to finally be consulting your Dating 101 handbook, don’t ya think, Sir? Karina is, like, over it even though this guy said he wanted to marry her, but yeah she thinks she’s like COMPLETELY over it. Sir seems skeptical.

He then reveals he’s been heartbroken once, and tells us that he’s saying that as Matt, not as Fake Prince Harry. He tells Karina he knows now it never would have worked, but at the time he couldn’t see that through his heartbreak and that’s maybe the most real and honest thing he’s said this entire series.

Kim is the last one to get a date and it is a night date at Tower Bridge. She says not many guys take her on dates like this and Sir’s immediate next question is does it matter where the dates are, because whoever he chooses will need to accept the fact that they’re going to McDonald’s on their dates vs. a private champagne dessert at one of London’s famous landmarks. Kim wisely says that no, it does not matter.

Matt says that Kim has been playing hard-to-get and that makes him like her even more. HOW ENLIGHTENING.

They go back to the castle and three must become two. Sir wants to speak with Kelley. Before he can say anything, Kelley tells him that he’s the ultimate man and she likes everything about him. Sir tells her she’s one of the most incredible girls he’s ever met, so we know she’s going home, because he starts all of his rejections with compliments. He says he has to follow his gut, which is to the other two, and this is what rejection from a fake prince looks like.

rejection

All of Kelley’s scheming has ultimately backfired. She became so vindictive that Sir wanted nothing to do with it and cast her aside as he did Meghan. Because anyone who wants to end up with Not Prince Harry has to have morals, even though her idiot boyfriend won’t. Makes perfect sense to me!

Kim and Karina have to get dressed up the next night for the finale or whatever. Kingsley escorts them to Sir like a creepy uncle.

prom

They get to sit with him in fake snow and then he pulls them aside again, and we get to listen to more inane conversations that are frankly starting to get to me.

snow

Sir says he feels a slow, burning connection with Kim and my first thought is whether or not he should see a doctor.

Karina’s one-on-one is less talking and more a montage of her making out with Sir.

Kingsley then summons Sir for his important decision. He’s made it and up first is Karina. She gets no more than, “I think you’re one in a million, now please leave the estate.” This does not go over well. But she lingers because I suspect the producers were screaming at her to cry — and she can’t through her fake eyelashes, so we just see lots of awkwardness instead.

Kim gets an equally short speech and finds out she’s chosen and is so happy because she’s 23 and it’s taken her SO LONG to open up to someone, you guys.

Now it’s time for him to reveal his secret.

He tells her. She reacts. I don’t think naive joy is what the producers were going for, but whatevs.

kim_react

He wants her to know everything she’s seen has been him, minus some small fabrications. He asks if this changes anything and she says not a thing. And then there are fireworks to the same background music Meghan got with HER fireworks, which is highly suspicious if you ask me. His “I choose you” pose with Kim is the same “I reject you” pose he had with Kelley and I think this young gentleman is very confused.

winner

Kingsley comes out to tell them they get to split a quarter mil as they embark on their life together, which will probably not last past the next lunar cycle. And then they ride off in a horse drawn carriage.

I have spent so much time watching this that I have few insights left to offer. A quick Google search implies these two love birds are no longer together. Then again, this WAS filmed LAST summer, so a year ago at this point, which when you’re 23 might as well be SEVEN years.

My guess is that they each took their check for $125,000 and peaced the fuck out, but that’s the cynical side of me talking except — yeah, they’re not a couple as far as I can tell. Since this was always doomed to fail, Babe should have just gone with Meghan. At least he had the most chemistry with her.

Until the next horrible reality show airs…

Reva Friedel

About Reva Friedel

Reva is a staff writer for Awful Announcing and the AP Party. She lives in Orange County and roots for zero California teams.

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