On Tuesday, Fox debuted its newest reality dating train wreck, I Wanna Marry Harry, in which a rando British knockoff tries to trick 12 vapid 25-year-old-and-under American girls into believing he’s Prince Harry, fourth in line to the throne.
The first episode was on Tuesday (May 20), but it took me until Friday to actually get through the entire show without either falling asleep or losing so many brain cells that I forgot what I was doing.
It’s not as bad as you might imagine, though. It’s worse. I shit you not, when one of the girls announced she was 25, one of the other ones was all, “oh good, another oldie.” As contestant Rose said at the end of the first episode: bitch, I will shank you in your sleep.
The fake Harry is Matt Hicks, 23, who gets a crash course in all things Harry and is shuttled around by a butler named Kingsley. I mean, are you kidding me with this?
The girls are all, well, catty little bitches that we barely get to know, probably because they have the substance of squeaky foam. This right here is Maggie, the one who embodies the MOST stereotypes Ryan Seacrest was probably looking for when he signed up to produce this shit show.
Our debut episode consists of a little preview of the show’s plot, in that young Matt — who claims he is “here to find a genuine connection” — will attempt to pass himself off as Prince Harry to 12 gold-digging fame seekers from our fair nation. Then the girls arrive and are all, “OMG I TOTALLY FEEL LIKE I AM IN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, LOL.” Then we have a tea party, a masquerade ball, a cocktail count on young Maggie, and finally, an invitation to the Crown Suite, or whatever, which is adjacent to “Sir’s.”
Yeah, that’s another thing — he doesn’t tell anyone his name. Kingsley refers to him as Sir. Our poor little chickadees are so confused as to what to call him, the best they can come up with is “Boyfriend.”
There is ONE girl who seems genuine and who actually has more depth than a Slip ‘N Slide, and that would be Leah.
She’s there to be herself and in fact makes numerous comments about how she doesn’t know a lot about beauty or fashion and doesn’t attempt to learn it just to impress “Sir,” who winds up eliminating her first, because she seems to be having the least amount of fun, and this is such an exciting first day, and why is she not fawning over him like everyone else?
Rose ends up with the key to the Skank Suite or whatever it’s called, and you can tell that all the girls completely hate her for it. Especially Maggie. Who seems to remind me of the fakest person on the planet. There seems to be nothing about her that’s real or genuine. She’s in it for the random blurbs she’ll get in US Weekly for the next year and a half (if she’s lucky).
Also, I find it exceptionally hard to believe that ANYONE thinks the REAL Prince Harry would agree to participate in such a show, since he hardly needs help meeting women.
So we can basically all agree that Fox is desperate for programming and all these girls are willing to humiliate themselves by pretending to actually be this stupid so that they can enjoy their free trip to England where they get to stay in a castle and hang out with a dude who says that if the girl he chooses at the end doesn’t care he’s not actually royalty and is willing to give it a go, “then it will all be worth it.”
Which brings me back to one of the first things that he says at the beginning of the episode: “If it blows up in my face, I am going to be hugely cut up about lying to 12 women.” But ONLY if it blows up in his face. If it doesn’t, then the lying part is no big deal. Hair toss.