GQ’s July issue has a Q & A feature with Kanye West. The interview is so deluded, I briefly considered that the issue wasn’t the interview, but actually my English comprehension skills. But no, really, I think I choose that both the questions and answers are so asinine, I would like to dissect them here in point, counterpoint fashion, or as I like to call it, “Bitch, please.”
When asked if he’s comfortable being “the lead subject in practically every tabloid on the planet right now”: “That wasn’t my goal. My goal is just to be respected as a man when I walk down the street with my family. I don’t care what your job is, you’re not gonna talk down to me, you’re not gonna try to get a rise out of me. I’m a man first. And in establishing that, some interesting things have happened. [laughs]“
Bitch, please: That answer doesn’t even make sense! Being in tabloids and being respected are not mutually exclusive — or are they? Also, walking down the street is all well and good, but he has zero control over what the tabloids publish, am I right? So what the hell is he even saying?
But there’s more to it than that, as we segue into a conversation about the time last year when West walked into a sign because his head was down as he walked to avoid paparazzi: “It’s difficult. And then put on top of that the idea of going and taking meetings with people, and people say, ‘We don’t want to work with you, because we saw you get mad about running into the sign.’”
Bitch, please: People may use that as an excuse to not work with you, but could it also be that you’re an angry maniac? Listen, I’ll be honest. I don’t follow Kanye, I don’t listen to his music, or follow his fashion line or what have you. So maybe he’s a delightful person, but everything I’ve read about him points to the opposite, and he doesn’t even go out of his way to hide the fact that he is difficult in this interview.
The writer, Zach Baron, who I’ve decided must be trolling Kanye the further we get into the interview, asks West if that kind of mockery “feel(s) like an effort to de-fang you?” West then launches into this missive:
“Yeah. I’m a blowfish. I’m not a shark, I’m a blowfish. So that perfect example about me hitting my head, it’s like a blowfish. I wasn’t coming out of my house going to a paparazzi’s house to attack them. I’m defending my family in front of my own house. I’m defending my name as someone’s screaming something negative at me. That’s a blowfish. People have me pinned as a shark or a predator in some way, and in no way am I that. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. I want to defend people. I want to help people.”
Bitch, please: Here, West has remarkably proven and disproven his point at the same time. I’m not familiar with Blowfish, but National Geographic is here to help me. Blowfish developed their inflatability because they are slow swimmers and vulnerable to predators.
According to National Geographic: In lieu of escape, pufferfish use their highly elastic stomachs and the ability to quickly ingest huge amounts of water (and even air when necessary) to turn themselves into a virtually inedible ball several times their normal size. Some species also have spines on their skin to make them even less palatable.
(SO MANY DOUBLE ENTENDRES HERE REGARDING HOW HIS WIFE BECAME FAMOUS)
So this analogy makes sense in that regard, until it doesn’t, because as West says he wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. But he must not have received the memo that almost all blowfish contain deadly toxins lethal to both fish AND humans. While that accurately describes the personalities of him and his wife, he gets a mark off for not understanding the full capabilities of the species he’s comparing himself to.
Next, come the questions about his wedding. The writer reads an excerpt from Page Six about West going berserk an hour before his wedding over, I guess, a bar that he decided to rebuild using the same materials covering the porta-potty.
This is where I thought my reading comprehension was not up to par, because I had no idea what was going on. It’s a bizarre event, and excerpt, and really not even a question. West kind of throws “I know you are but what am I” at the excerpt, saying: “For the person that wrote that, were they involved with anything last year that was as culturally significant as the Yeezus tour or that album?”
Bitch, please: I’m skipping over the rest of your answer in which you blame the wedding planner for not getting approval for the white plastic bar, and I can’t even picture, logistically, how this would even work. And furthermore, could you not afford something that wasn’t plastic? Or was plastic the theme of the wedding for more reasons than I care to list?
And apparently, Kanye gave a 45-minute toast at his own wedding. What could he possibly have to talk about for 45 minutes?? Well, here’s how he summed it up:
“And what I talked about in it was the idea of celebrity, and celebrities being treated like blacks were in the ’60s, having no rights, and the fact that people can slander your name. I said that in the toast. And I had to say this in a position where I, from the art world, am marrying Kim. And how we’re going to fight to raise the respect level for celebrities so that my daughter can live a more normal life. She didn’t choose to be a celebrity. But she is. So I’m going to fight to make sure she has a better life.”
Bitch, please: Did you REALLY just compare spoiled, rich, celebrities to the African-American struggles of the 1960s? Did you really just do that? I know I recently suffered an eye injury, but as far as I know I haven’t gone blind and I am PRETTY sure that’s the MOST ignorant comparison EVER and you should stop talking immediately if not sooner.
I can only imagine you think the lack of respect is really lack of privacy, or lack of respect OF your privacy, but please do not stand up at your wedding in Florence and compare yourself to people who had actual problems and were denied access to things that other people had simply because of their skin color and I just can’t keep going because I’m going to get VERY ANGRY AND ALL CAPSY AT YOUR SUPREME STUPIDITY.
The even funnier part is that he then self-righteously says, “my feelings don’t matter anymore,” when that’s ALL HE’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT.
Then we take a turn to the truly bizarre. The writer asks if Kanye always feels like he’s “always in the ring”? And we’re rewarded with more non-sensical musings: “Yeah. I’m sitting right here, it’s a fight. I’m fighting with the way I line my words up together and the way I place a sweater on top of a T-shirt. At this point, people know what’s up. People know I’m smart. And people know that, whether it’s SNL or Jimmy Kimmel, it’s a trend to take the piss out of celebrity—just as much of a trend as wearing a gray hoodie or driving a Prius.”
In describing Kim: “You mean to tell me that this girl with this fucking body [plastic] and this face [even more plastic] is also into style, and she’s a nice person [depending on the bottom line], and she has her own money and is family-oriented? That’s just as cool as a fucking fighter jet or dinosaur! And just as rarely seen.”
The interview really is long and somewhat unbearable, so I’m just giving you what stands out as he’s completely lost me in what he’s saying. They do talk about his music, past and future, which I find uninteresting and skim that part.
What I REALLY want to dissect is this gem right here: “Both me and Kim had to learn how to communicate as a team. These are two LeBrons, you know?”
Bitch, Please: No, I don’t know. Really. Because there is no way the two of you combined is half of one LeBron, who has, you know ACTUAL talent. I would like you to tell me what Kim’s LeBron-like talent is that does not involve me having to use Urban Dictionary to figure out what you’re talking about.
It is shortly after this that I think the writer is actually trolling Kanye, because of this exchange:
“Another gifted communicator in your life is Kim. Have you learned from her?
That’s funny that you’re saying that. One of the reasons why I think that me and Kim are very powerful together isn’t just the concept of celebrity or this mega rap star and this mega-beautiful pop star. It’s something I explain to my girl: She is who she is. I am who I am. We have advisers and friends and everything, but those people are who they are and we are who we are. And what I had to learn from Kim is how to take more of her advice and less of other people’s advice. There’s a lot of Kim K skills that were added. In order to win at life, you need some Kim K skills, period.”
Bitch, Please: The delusion. I just can’t. To what “mega-beautiful pop star” are you referring to here, because it cannot possibly be your wife. When I see pop star, I think Taylor Swift, not the woman who is famous for a leaked sex tape of her being peed on.
One thing I will give him — the girl does have skills of some sort. She turned something dirty into millions and millions of dollars. So I guess she gets that one — she can market products. She can use her name to sell things, But I wouldn’t classify her as a “gifted communicator” so much as I would classify her as a “vapid narcissist.” And perhaps that is why she and Kanye are perfect together.
I really try to avoid anything involving these two clowns for all of the above. I don’t think Kanye realizes how many times he contradicts himself here. Then again, maybe the writer is more talented than we thought, piecing together barely usable answers from even less usable answers. Now that is LeBron-like talent! Kim, take notes.