The St. Louis Cardinals have the best fans in baseball. Go ahead, just ask a Cardinal fan and they will gleefully tell you that. In fact, you probably don't even need to ask them. If you've so much as had a casual encounter with one, they probably volunteered that "fact" themselves, probably multiple times. With the Cards now making their fourth World Series appearance in the last ten years, this brash declaration of superiority will only get louder.
Perhaps then it is time to re-evaluate whether or not St. Louis really does have the best fans. Surely each other team can find a way to claim they have the best fans, or at least better fans than St. Louis, right?
Pittsburgh Pirates – Cardinal fans are just fans but Pirates are family, or at least that is what that song that kept playing ad nauseam keeps telling us.
Cincinnati Reds – Skyline Chili. That is all.
Milwaukee Brewers – The holy trinity of being a Middle America sports fan is one's ability to consume beer, sausage and cheese. Game. Set. Match, Milwaukee. Also, Front Row Amy.
Chicago Cubs – 105 years and counting with no World Series yet they still have millions of fans. You can't beat that kind of commitment. That sad, depressing, borderline masochistic commitment.
Los Angeles Dodgers – St. Louis trailed only one team in attendance this year, the Dodgers who brought in almost 400,000 more fans. Quantity beats quality in this case.
Arizona Diamondbacks – One thing the Cardinals don't have for their fans that the D'Backs do is a swimming pool. Be it polluted by Dodger urine or not, you can't beat having a swimming pool at your disposal.
San Francisco Giants – Giant fans have Cardinal fans soundly beat in the cognitive dissonance department. After all, what other fan base could possibly pull off treating villainous cheater Barry Bonds as a hero for so many years?
San Diego Padres – They may not be the most vocal or energetic fans, but they are blonder, fitter, tanner and better looking than St. Louis fans.
Colorado Rockies – Rocktober! Who didn't love Rocktober? It is just plain fun to say Rocktober. Rocktober. Rocketober. Rocktobe. Meanwhile the Cardinals team name doesn't lend itself to fun word play.
Atlanta Braves – While the @BestFansStLouis Twitter account has shown us that Cardinals fans can sometimes make bigoted and/or ignorant comments, at least Braves fans have the courage to put their racism out in the open with the Tomahawk Chop and vehement defense of the Screaming Brave logo. You can't beat that kind of bravery (pun fully intended). 'Merica!
Washington Nationals – Can you really be the best fans in baseball if you don't have NATITUDE? Well, can you?
Philadelphia Phillies – Fredbird doesn't have anything on the Phillie Phanatic.
New York Mets – This current generation of Mets fans grew up rooting for a team built around Doc Gooden, Darryl Strawberry and Keith Hernandez. It was basically a roster fueled almost entirely by cocaine and womanizing so one can only assume Mets fans are who you want to go party with after a game.
Miami Marlins – I mean, c'mon. If you are still a fan of the Marlins after all the horrible things that Jeffrey Loria has done, you have to have a special kind of loyalty that cannot be replicated.
Detroit Tigers – St. Louis has a statue of Stan Musial. Detroit has a statue of Robocop. Your move, St. Louis.
Cleveland Indians – Anyone who is a fan of any of the Cleveland teams and hasn't yet sought the sweet release of death by their own hand is a better fan that you or me.
Kansas City Royals – The Cards get credit for being the best run organization in baseball but the Royals had the foresight, nay, genius to pass on local talent Albert Pujols before he went into decline several years before St. Louis ripped off their idea and did the same.
Minnesota Twins – The Twins don't just have fans in Minnesota, they have an entire Twins Territory. They're empire builders!
Chicago White Sox – They are the President's favorite team and we all know that President Obama only supports things that are popular with everyone and good for our entire country.
Boston Red Sox – Remember at the end of the atrocious Fever Pitch movie when Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore were allowed onto the field to film a kiss while the Red Sox clinched the World Series? That happen at Busch Stadium. If you're so great, Cardinals fans, how could you allow that to happen?
Tampa Bay Rays – It takes a special kind of passion to be willing to actually attend a live baseball game in the mausoleum that is Tropicana Field.
Baltimore Orioles – Something something something THE WIRE something something.
New York Yankees – The average price of a ticket at Yankee Stadium was nearly double that of a ticket at Busch, yet the Yankees had nearly the same attendance on the season as the Cards. Therefore, not only are Yankee fans as passionate about their team, they are richer and thus obviously better people.
Toronto Blue Jays – Let's just be honest, Canadians are better than everyone. I'm pretty sure it is all the poutine.
Oakland Athletics – A's fans have to crawl through a river of filth and foulness you can't even imagine, or maybe just don't want to, and come out clean on the other side just to watch a baseball game.
Texas Rangers – Texas and St. Louis both have grassy patches in center field as a batter's eye. In Texas, this happens:
That's called #want, Cardinals fans. I suggest you look into it.
Los Angeles Angels – The Cardinals have the Rally Squirrel. Hmm, I wonder what team had a small, cute, furry tree-dwelling mammal as their championship rally mascot a full decade earlier?
Seattle Mariners – Safeco Field is a mecca of craft brews whereas Busch Stadium falls well short despite being named after a brewery, for crying out loud. Just shameful.
Houston Astros – Uh, umm… OH MY GOD WHAT'S THAT?!?!?! (throws smoke bomb and runs away)