Which fictional football players would you build your team around?

Here at The Student Section we are having a little bit of fun before the weekend. Yesterday, we had some fun with football and pop culture by looking at fictional football coaches from television and the movies that we would want to lead our teams. Today, we need some players…

Normally, our roundtables take place on Wednesday but this week Associate Editor Terry Johnson and writers Kevin Causey and Joseph Nardone are teaming up with Kyle Kensing of The CFB Huddle and Ian Casselberry of The AP Party to discuss fictional characters they would want on their football team…

QUESTION: What three fictional football players would you build your fictional football team around?

Ian Casselberry:

On Twitter @IanCass

If Vontae Mack (Draft Day) is good enough for Sonny Weaver Jr. to take with the No. 1 overall pick, he’s good enough for my team. Linemen are typically your franchise defensive players, but Mack has size and speed at linebacker that makes him a fierce pass rusher, yet also helps him be effective in coverage. He’s a team leader from the moment he steps into that locker room. And he has great taste in cellphone cases (though I don’t think I could make those brass knuckles work for me).

With an impact player on defense, one is needed on offense. I want the ball in Forrest Gump’s hands as much as possible to take advantage of that game-changing speed. His ability to catch the ball is uncertain, so he might not be a No. 1 receiver on my team. He might not even be a No. 2 or 3, as he’d have trouble remembering the plays. But I’d try to design any play I could to get him the ball in space and let him run past tacklers. Of course, Gump would be the best weapon on special teams, where he’s a home-run threat as a kick returner, a role he excelled with at Alabama. With proper coaching to point him toward the end zone and to get him to stop running after he scored, Gump could be the difference in any ballgame.

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However, you build your franchise around a quarterback. The guy I’d want leading my team is Flash Gordon. As quarterback for the New York Jets, he already showed he could handle the scrutiny and harsh spotlight of playing in the nation’s largest media market. But Flash truly showed his toughness and ability to adapt to any situation presented to him when he was kidnapped by Dr. Hans Zarkov to the planet Mongo, then stood up to fight Ming the Merciless (rallying the people of Mongo, demonstrating his leadership and charisma) in order to save Earth from destruction. Facing an all-out blitz is nothing compared to that. When everything seems to be falling apart, Flash keeps a cool head, exactly what you want in a quarterback.

Joseph Nardone

On Twitter @JosephNardone

Becky “Icebox” O’Shea (Little Giants)– I want to start my team with some real grit, toughness, and an attitude to boot. Recruiting this athletic linebacker was a no-brainer. She encompasses everything I want with an inside LB.

A seriously underrated part of her abilities as a player? I’m glad you asked. She does a good job at recruiting the quarterback position. Not only have I just recruited one of the best linebackers in the country, but I essentially got myself a tippy-top recruiter as well.

It doesn’t hurt that she ain’t ugly (when she got older… I’m no sicko, kids).

becky

Joe Kane (The Program)– With my defense having a leader it was time to get one on the offensive side of the ball. What position do all the experts say is the most important position? That’s right — quarterback.

I don’t even care that Joe Kane is a raging alcoholic. In fact, I think it is a positive. Considering my offensive line is likely to be weak, I need a quarterback who is always on edge. Plus, you know, he once tried to fistfight a moving train! And he won! Kind of, but semantics are for losers.

Here is what I know for sure: Kane has a strong arm, makes others around him better, and his teammates will follow him no matter what. The latter is only highlighted by the fact that no one with the ESU Timberwolves ever questioned his leadership despite his addiction to hanging beer cans on Christmas trees.

His dad, for what it is worth, is not getting any free tickets from us, though.

Nigel Gruff (The Replacements)– I am sure that at least one of my colleagues is picking Bobby Boucher. But if I am picking a guy who is unlikely to be academically eligible, then I want one who can hang with Joe Kane at night. Plus, seriously, just ask Bobby Bowden how important field goal kickers are.

He also owns a pub. This is important for two very important reasons.

1: It means he can certainly drink Joe Kane under the table, and still be able to get him back safely to the dorms.
2: Gruff is a businessman. Football is big business at Club State.

He ain’t scrawny, either. He just so happens to be a little bit wiry.

Kyle Kensing:

On Twitter @kensing45

Vince Howard (Friday Night Lights): The star quarterback of the East Dillon Lions is a special, dual-threat talent. He’s committed to winning and never gives up, because he knows adversity. He overcame much more off the field in Dillon, Texas, than on it.

Friday Night Lights

Steve Lattimer (The Program): So long as Lattimer can pass his drug tests, he’s the most tenacious pass-rusher in Hollywood.

Andrew Krimm (Necessary Roughness): The lovable vegetarian offensive lineman anchoring the miracle Texas State Armadillos is cinema’s best blocker not named Michael Oher.

Terry Johnson:

On Twitter @SectionTPJ

The first player that I’d want in my fictional program is Al Bundy. Make no mistake about it: Bundy was once a mighty athlete, who once scored four touchdowns in one game. During his senior year, he led Polk High to a city championship, the last one that the school has ever won (although he had a little help from Kelly). In fact, he enjoyed such a stellar career that they named the scoreboard after him.

Even though he didn’t play college football, we saw enough of what Al could do throughout the show’s history to know that he could get the job done. Remember, Al stepped in at quarterback for an injured Chad Dowling and threw for five TD’s, while rushing for two more. He also proved that he could succeed at the professional level, literally selling his soul so that he could take the Chicago Bears to Super Bowl.

That’s exactly the type of guy that I would want to start my program around. Whether at quarterback or fullback (his natural position), Bundy is a threat to reach the end zone every time he touches the ball. I also know that he’d give me 110% effort on every play because he wants to make it to the NFL rather than having to sell women’s shoes for a living.

The second player on my list is Bobby Boucher. Sure, he’s still learning how to play the game. However, he has a nose for the ball, which is something that’s very difficult to teach. Whether it’s crushing opposing quarterbacks , coming up with key interceptions (the ones he didn’t throw back), or blocking kicks, Boucher seems to be in the right place at the right time.

Every coach needs a ball hawk like that on his squad.

The third player that I would want on my team is Charles Jefferson from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. While not as well-known as Boucher, he’s every bit as intense. In the game against Lincoln High alone, Jefferson sent several players off the field on a stretcher).

This is exactly the type of physical play that I’d want to have up front.

With the duo of Jefferson and Boucher, my defense would be one of the best in the country. Opposing offenses wouldn’t have the luxury of double-teaming Jefferson without allowing Boucher to run free. However, few offensive lines would be able to block Jefferson one-on-one, especially if his car were to somehow get damaged before the game.

Kevin Causey:

On Twitter @CFBZ

Wow, those are some dynamic teams and while some of the guys I would have picked are gone (I really had my eye on Boucher and my coach was pushing hard for Vince Howard), with Coach Eric Taylor at the helm of my team I’m confident our team is going to win Championships.

Deacon Moss (The Longest Yard): In Eric Taylor’s offense, I’m going to need a guy who can stretch the field and I’m tempted to go with Rod Tidwell here but I need someone with a little more tenacity and grit. Moss oozes confidence and swagger and doesn’t back down from challenges. He’s a big-time player and even though he has some character issues (remember from yesterday, I’m bringing in Tami Taylor to serve as a counselor for the team), Coach Taylor has a proven track record of dealing with player issues.

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Luther “Shark” Lavay (Any Given Sunday): Lavay was a player that quite frankly changed the way his position was played. He was a guy that was willing to step up and give the locker room speech when it was needed and was a leader on the field and that’s what I need with my defense. He also wasn’t afraid to put his body (and his career) on the line to stop the other team from getting a first down. Lavay is a game changer and his ability to get to the quarterback is second to none. He’s the anchor and building block of our defense.

Johnny Utah (Point Break): I thought about going with Jason Street because of his familiarity with Coach Taylor’s play-book but I have to think out of the box a bit. Utah was an All Big Ten performer who led his Ohio State team to a Rose Bowl win over USC but was denied the opportunity to play in the pro’s because of a knee injury (we’re getting the pre-knee injury Utah). Off the field, he is one of the smartest guys around as he not only went to Law school but also worked for the FBI. The recruiting services weren’t big during Utah’s time but the footage we got from a impromptu beach football game is all I need to see. Utah has the ability to read defenses, is a quick decision maker who also possess a quick release, he has a devastating pump fake, is a wiz at the play-action fake, he is willing to stand in the pocket and take a hit to deliver the ball to the right guy and he can make all the throws. The fact that he’s a relentless competitor as well as someone who can show compassion for his opponent makes him a perfect fit for Coach Taylor’s team and a perfect ying to Lavay and Moss’s yang.

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