I first saw the film on a videotape purchased at a Creation Star Trek Convention in 1995. Picture and sound quality were poor, but then again, so was the film. Being in my early 20s, I was more critical of these comic-to-film adaptations. Revisiting it earlier this week, I found that it wasn’t really too bad.

Alex Hyde-White and Rebecca Staab have chemistry as Reed and Sue. The Thing rubber suit is terrible, and the animation of Johnny’s flame is laughable. Doctor Doom looks great, but the sound is so muffled I couldn’t hear the dialogue. But at no point did I feel that it wasn’t the FF. They really looked the parts. Trivia: young Sue was played by future Joss Whedon actress and Playboy pictorial subject Mercedes McNab. You don’t have to go far to view it: It’s on YouTube. Watch it on your phone.

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In 2005, Constantin and 20th Century Fox released their first of two big-budget features directed by Tim Story, featuring Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis. Chiklis was saddled with a rubber suit, but it wasn’t terrible. Alba is an attractive woman who had zero charisma as Sue. In fact, the only thing that felt right about it was the Johnny and Ben relationship. Chris Evans would end up in multiple comic book movies over the years, until finding the perfect fit in Marvel’s Captain America franchise. Seriously, the less said about these two movies the better. Even Julian McMahon as Doctor Doom was camp incarnate. I didn’t even bother revisiting these.

Now we have a third attempt at bringing the FF to the screen. Full disclosure: I have been bad-mouthing this film for months to anyone who’d listen that this was a rights issue and that it would be terrible. I saw the trailers and determined it would be terrible. The only bright spot (pun intended) was Michael B. Jordan as Johnny Storm, an actor whom I’d loved in a couple of television shows and films. But, for journalistic integrity, I had to put personal feelings aside and approach the film neutrally. What follows is my superfan reaction to it. Normally, what I write about is so old, spoiler warnings are unnecessary, but you’ve been warned!

Fantastic Four is not a terrible movie if you’re not a FF fan. It takes its cues from the 2004 Ultimate FF revamp (not the most successful updating of the concept), and while I’m normally a Mark Millar acolyte, this version’s Reed became a psychopath bent on destroying humanity. The one thing that the Ultimate Fantastic Four comic book did worth mentioning was introduce the Marvel Zombie concept (which was promptly overused). Other than that, original was still the greatest. The latest incarnation of the Ultimate FF lasted a sum total of six issues and the Ultimate Universe no longer exists.

Not a solid foundation to build a movie on. But as a moviegoer, it worked for me.

The idea of using teleportation to another dimension rather than spaceflight is keeping within the “plausible” science of the original, and I am okay with Dr. Franklin Storm (a minimal character in continuity at best) being in charge at the Baxter Institute. In fact, Reg E. Cathey is the best actor in the film. He gets some real emotion to play off. His concern for Sue and Johnny is palpable.

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However, a teenage Reed Richards eliminates the paternal aspect of the character, and turns him into a petulant child. Sue Storm has the lamest explanation (“I’m an orphan from Kosovo”) about why she and her family are different skin colors. Maybe it’s because I live in Los Angeles, or because I grew up after 1970, but who needs an explanation? I would’ve made up an explanation in my head that makes more sense. And I’m going to give about as much lip service to Doctor Doom as the film does.

The worst character assassination of all, and the one that makes me angry, is the one performed on Ben Grimm. I’ve explained what makes Ben the heart of the four; all of that is erased. Ben grows up in the heart of an abusive family, and he’s no longer the scrappy kid from Brooklyn. Jamie Bell plays him devoid of any humor. His Ben Grimm becomes a mercenary killer working for the Army. Let me make this perfectly clear to anyone at FOX who may be reading: BEN GRIMM IS NOT A KILLER. BEN GRIMM SAYS SHABBAT PRAYERS OVER OLD MEN. When I saw Ben looking at footage of his actions, with “Confirmed Kills: 23” on the screen, I knew that my favorite character wasn’t truly there.

My Ben Grimm may be angry at Reed for one thing or another, but Ben would NEVER turn against him. Ben has a light heart, and when he is down, the world is down. In FF (Vol. 1) #51 (June 1966), Lee and Kirby explored what it meant to be Ben Grimm in a story called “This Man, This Monster.” An imposter steals Ben’s powers, and in order to prevent Reed from being destroyed by the imposter, he has to renounce being human and stay the Thing. That’s what Ben Grimm is: selfless at great personal cost.

I’ve heard Josh Trank on Kevin Smith’s Fat Man on Batman podcasts and part of what he described as his “take” on the FF is body issues, like what David Cronenberg used to do with his 1980s horror movies like Scanners and The Fly. All well and good, if that had been the case. But the movie skips ahead one year later, and none of the dealing with genetic mutation happens. Maybe if I’d seen this side of the FF, rather than yet another first battle with Doctor Doom, this might’ve given me hope.

Look, there’s a nine percent fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes as I write this, but Fantastic Four is not bad. In fact, I’m looking forward to finally seeing Chronicle because it’s a very well-made film. I’ve seen directors who can’t direct traffic, much less a feature film. Trank has a solid eye and knows how to make the subject material interesting and entertaining, and despite the mess, I have faith he will make an excellent film. This one just isn’t it.

John P. Inloes is a child of the 1980s but watches every television show a 14-year-old girl does… so don’t spoil who “A” is! He’s on season two.