Ranking the sports cameos in Sharknado 3

by | Jul 23, 2015

Wednesday night, Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No premiered on Syfy, prompting millions of cable viewers to search for which channel the network occupied on its cable provider. While ratings were down in the third installment of this disaster cheesefest (despite shark attacks being prominent in current events), your Twitter timeline was surely flooded with #Sharknado3 posts. That social media phenomenon is how this fish got swimming in the first place.

Besides flying sharks getting sliced up by chainsaws and poor innocents being chomped or crushed by these inexplicably airborne beasts, the main appeal of the Sharknado series is all of the cameos each movie has included. This time around, there seemed to be more sports-related appearances than usual. Maybe someone figured out this is a slow time on the sports calendar. Or maybe it was just a confluence of events, such as the movie taking place in Washington, D.C. and at the Daytona 500.

So we decided to rank all of those sports cameos, at least all of the ones we caught on screen or via social media. If there’s anyone we missed, please let us know. Otherwise, this is how the athletes and broadcasters stacked up in Sharknado 3.

11. Max Kellerman, ESPN: I watched Sharknado 3 twice looking for Kellerman and didn’t see him. Apparently, he plays a soldier so I made sure to watch those military scenes closely. Do I really have to watch a third time?

10. Tom Compton, Redskins: OK, I’ll admit that I don’t know who Compton is, so the offensive lineman could have been on screen and I wouldn’t have noticed. But he plays the reporter who interviews Michelle Bachmann, and gets speaking lines.

9. Ryan Kerrigan, Redskins: The linebacker plays a NASA technician who has a dramatic line, “Get that thing in the air now!” during a crucial moment in the story.

8. Joey Logano, NASCAR: The race car driver had one word of dialogue, pointing to a shark in the air and saying “That.” Is that good for a SAG card?

7. Marcellus Wiley, ESPN: Wiley would be ranked higher on this list if he had a speaking line. As it is, he probably should be higher on the list because he fires a machine gun at sharks. But he gets knocked out by a shark falling on him. Get eaten, at least.

6. Rick Fox: The former NBA star played a Secret Service agent on the vice president’s detail. That meant he had to share scenes with Ann Coulter. He also showed commanding screen presence with his line, “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen!”

5. Chris Jericho: I bounced this one off a few friends and colleagues. Some might say Jericho isn’t a sports star, since he was a pro wrestler. But he’s unquestionably an athlete. As Bruce, the roller coaster operator, he also gets to say, “Let the rocket loose!” But he also gets chomped on the butt by a shark, which is kind of embarrassing.

4. Michelle Beadle, ESPN: Beadle campaigned hard for a role in Sharknado 3, so you figured her role wouldn’t be a small one. Yes, it’s still a cameo, but she gets more screen time than others as a Secret Service agent driving the car that picks up Ian Ziering’s Fin. Her one line: “Hang on, Mr. Shepard!”  

3. Chad Ochocinco: This was probably the most surprising sports cameo in the movie. Did we know the former NFL receiver would have a role? He has a nice scene with Ziering, as a NASA staffer who helps our hero put on his astronaut suit (which looks like it was assembled from garage sale scraps) before boarding the space shuttle.

Also, Ochocinco has maybe the best line of the night: “Maybe the sharks will help with the aliens.” This guy has an on-screen future. [Video via The Cauldron]

2. Brad Kezelowski, NASCAR: Playing himself or “Racecar Driver #3,” Kezelowski has a key part when the sharknado hits the Daytona 500. Why is he so high in these rankings? He gets the line that became Sharknado 3‘s subtitle, pointing at the descending beasts in the sky and yelling, “Oh, hell no!”

1. Mark Cuban: This was no contest. Actually, Cuban probably deserved a post all to himself for his performance in Sharknado 3 as the president of the United States. And he’s not an executive who leads from behind a desk or podium. He’s a man of action, “a beacon of hope,” as he says on screen.

The Mavericks owner wields a shotgun while blasting sharks that have invaded the White House, and he tosses a grenade (pulling the pin out with his teeth) that amazingly finds its way into a flying shark’s mouth. Dirk Nowitzki couldn’t hit that shot. If DeAndre Jordan had faced this guy while trying to decide whether to sign with the Mavs, no way he’d have gone back to the Clippers. Cuban is magnificent and should get a role in the next “Expendables” movie. [Video via BroBible]