Miami is the ultimate hate-it-or-love-it American city.
The traffic blows. The climate could best be described as swamp-like. Crime — of both the white-collar and less so varieties — is rampant. Local government is a mess.
On the plus side, of course, there’s, um… Well… No state income tax?
Against that backdrop, the university that bears the city’s name is beginning yet another search for a head football coach. With the athletic department’s top benefactor now serving 20 years in federal prison for running a $930 million Ponzi scheme, The U’s going to need a love-it kind of guy, i.e. willing to work at a discount. That makes for a glorious mix of desperate and/or not-quite-right candidates surfacing from the rumor mill.
Here are our top five (legitimate) Miami coaching candidates, ranked based on a combination of hilarity and that all-important “Miami fit.”
1. Lane Kiffin
You probably remember Kiffin from his days of brazen secondary recruiting violations and corner-cutting at Tennessee and USC. He once had his players switch jerseys in the middle of a game in a hamfisted effort to deceive the other team. He was deflating footballs before the New England Patriots made it cool. It’s a wonder he’s coordinating Alabama’s offense right now and not collecting bogus workers comp checks while living in his dad’s pool house.
Kiffin and the ‘Canes go together like Vanilla Ice and gaudy McMansions. Gather up Monte and Coach O, rent a smoke machine and let’s get to work.
2. Greg Schiano
He coached in the NFL!
He recruited players from South Florida (who occasionally competed in the Big East)!
Playing for him in Tampa Bay was like living in Cuba!
3. Tommy Tuberville
Wandering eyes? Check.
Susceptible to flim-flamming? Check.
Not afraid to dine-and-dash on your unsuspecting 18-year-old ass? Check.
That’s the South Florida trifecta. I’m having trouble seeing the downside here.
4. Mike Shula
Shula went 26-23 in his four seasons as Alabama’s head coach. Nick Saban won a national championship with the Crimson Tide within three years of replacing him.
But, again, the NFL thing. I guess Dirk Koetter isn’t available?
5. Mike Leach
The Pirate already has one key endorsement.
Given how The Donald is polling these days, I’m not sure what more you need.