I’m an unfortunate soul when it comes to football fandom. I was raised in Tampa Bay Buccaneers country during the original creamsicle era, and had to unlearn multiple curse words as a toddler before being allowed into polite company. (I still vividly remember those heady days when everyone believed that Vinny Testaverde was going to turn the franchise around.)
When I moved to St Louis in 1991, the city’s football fanbase was a smoking crater filled with smashed and broken hearts. The Bidwills had just stolen away to Arizona with the football Cardinals. For years afterward, thanks to terrible local network contracts, our TV broadcasts were blocked out whenever stadiums in Phoenix failed to sell out. (In other words, every f*%&ing week.)
In other words, I grew up in a complete vacuum of winning football. To compensate, I developed a love for picking games against the spread — strictly for entertainment purposes, of course. And thanks to the NFL Genius database that I built years ago (after getting tired of juggling emails and spreadsheets from my football pool), I’ve got a nice little stockpile of stats to make my picks with.
Here, then, are my picks for Week 1 of the season, minus Thursday night’s thrilling Packers-Saints tilt. Oh, and to make things interesting, each pick will be delivered in haiku. (Yes, I know TMQ does haikus too, but frankly, they suck.)
Atlanta (-3) at CHICAGO – Bears
That sound you just heard?
Urlacher crashing the run.
Oof crunch pow whimper.
Pass rush of Falcons
still just a work in progress.
Chicago upsets.
Cincinnati at CLEVELAND (-5) – Browns
Browns haven’t covered
a spread on opening day
in more than five years.
They might just have found
the ultimate slump-breaker:
Bengals suck (for Luck).
Buffalo at KANSAS CITY (-6) – Bills
Whither Charlie Weis?
The elephant in the room
isn’t in the house.
Bills have history
of big week one surprises.
Cross them at your risk.
Philadelphia (-5) at ST LOUIS – Rams
Fresh legged Mike Vick?
plus McD’s evil genius?
I’ll take the “over”
90 percent like
the Eagles and the points….
Why bookies get rich.
Detroit at TAMPA BAY (-1.5) – Lions
Ndamukong Suh
one of the few strong enough
to bother big Josh.
Lil Akib Talib
comes waist high to Megatron.
Detroit drops 40?
Titans at JACKSONVILLE (-2) – Titans
Munchak doesn’t care
about the name on your shirt.
One Q: Can you block?
Hasselbeck drops back,
has literally all day.
He might bring a book.
Pittsburgh at BALTIMORE (-2.5) – Steelers
Steelers, Ravens meet.
Goodell must cover his eyes.
This is old school, sir.
Twenty-two players
hit with incredible force.
Steelers hit better.
Indianapolis at HOUSTON (-8.5) – Texans
Colts masquerade as
an elite team for how long now?
Indy, meet Nero.
Texans fans all say
“This is our year! (No, really!)”
They just might be right.
Carolina at ARIZONA (-7) – Panthers
Throw out the playbooks,
these Cards just can’t play defense.
Enter Cam Newton.
Kolb to Fitzgerald
should prevail in the end but
hardly in the bag.
Minnesota at SAN DIEGO (-9) – Vikings
Slow-starting Chargers
last won their first game in
twenty-oh-seven.
McNabb auditions
for lead role in remake of
“Ev’ryone hates Chris”
Seattle at SAN FRANCISCO (-5.5) – Seahawks
Bet on T-Jackson,
or hold a gun to your head?
Totally your choice.
Bet on Alex Smith,
or hold a gun to your head?
Totally your choice.
New York Giants (-3) at WASHINGTON – Giants
Tom Coughlin, Jack Bauer,
everyone they know gets hurt.
It’s some kind of curse.
But Rex Grossman??? Please.
The worst marriage in sports is
Shanahan-Snyder.
Dallas at NEW YORK JETS (-4.5) – Jets
Romo is healthy
and not dating starlets, right?
Reasons to pick ‘Boys.
Rex and Rob Ryan
both have defense in the blood.
Rex has players, though.
New England (-7) at MIAMI – Patriots
Forget about Brady.
Leaky secondary is
Pats’ Achilles heel.
If only Henne
had heard of this new concept
called “the forward pass.”
Oakland at DENVER (-3) – Broncos
Raiders’ famous words:
“Just win baby!” aren’t working,
at least in week one.
It’s been eight long years
since Oakland won opener.
This year makes for nine.
