Grading head coach hires moments after they happen, or, in this case, before NFL teams have even reported for OTAs much less played a game is stupid.
But—what the heck—we're in the middle of the only legitimate "dead" period on the NFL calendar.
I'll take a stab at grading the fits of the seven new head coaches now and we can file this column away until 2017 to see how I did, or, if I was even close to getting anything right.
It is funny how NFL teams almost always execute the "Opposite Principal" when hiring a new coach. That's not a real term, but it's one I conjured up to explain how organizations love to bring in the "opposite" of the guy they just fired.
Your fiery, constantly screaming head coach failed? Get a calm, tranquil guy who doesn't say too much. Or vice versa.
Your failed head coach was an offensive mind? Get a defensive specialist. Or vice versa.
Lovie Smith, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
First things first—it's worth noting that the Lovie Smith hire falls under Option No. 1 of the "Opposite Prinicipal."
Smith has ties to the Buccaneers organization—he worked as Tony Dungy's linebackers coach from 1996 to 200. He's a 4-3, "Tampa 2" disciple, which, actually suits Tampa Bay's personnel.
Gerald McCoy is, arguably, the best 4-3 defensive tackle in the NFL, and Lavonte David has quickly become the most impactful 4-3 weakside linebacker in football.
The "zone-heavy" scheme isn't necessarily the most exquisite fit for press man stud Darrelle Revis, but Smith's made it know that he's not going to pigeonhole the handsomely paid and exceptionally talented corner.
That's good.
As far as offense, well, Jeff Tedford seems to have a pretty solid reputation. He coached Trent Dilfer and David Carr at Fresno State, Akili Smith and Joey Harrington at Oregon and Kyler Boller and, most famously, Aaron Rodgers at California.
Four of those six first-round quarterbacks were flat out busts, one was medicore and won is the finest quarterback in the NFL. So what does that mixed bag of results mean? I'm not so sure, really.
I'm guessing Tedford knows offense, knows passing and will have his hand in either the development of Mike Glennon or the selection of a quarterback early in the 2014 draft. Will he groom the next Joey Harrington, Trent Dilfer or Aaron Rodgers?
With what should be a sound defense an an offense that has an experienced play-caller calling the shots, the Buccaneers made out well with their swift hiring of Lovie Smith.
Grade: B / A-
Mike Zimmer, Minnesota Vikings
Finally, right?
That seems to be the general consensus about Mike Zimmer, someone who's been very successful as the Cincinnati Bengals defensive coordinator since 2008.
He yells a lot and has that old-school, in-your-face football coach vibe—basically, the opposite of Lovie Smith. He'll mainly run a 4-3 with the Vikings, a system that's ideal for the personnel. One of his first orders of business will be to tap into 2013 first-round pick Sharrif Floyd's potential at defensive tackle like he did with Geno Atkins, because Minnesota's defense is in the midst of a rebuilding process.
Jared Allen's likely gone in free agency. Kevin Williams will be 34 in August. Chad Greenway's 31. Erin Henderson just got cut. The cornerbacks are bad…the list goes on.
Norv Turner will be calling the shots, which is encouraging, although the success of that unit will ultimately hinge on the quarterback GM Rick Spielman decides to draft in the 2014 draft.
Then again, Turnver did a tremendous job with Philip Rivers earlier this millenium, so the Vikings should feel good about their chances to improve offensively.
In a division with Aaron Rodgers, Jordy Nelson, Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffery, Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson, you better play some defense or you better score like 35 a game.
The Vikings made a strong, Opposite Principle-following hire in Mike Zimmer and grabbed a veteran offensive coordinator who should be able to inject some life into that side of the ball.
I just think noticeable "progress" will take a while.
Grade: B
Jay Gruden, Washington Redskins
The prevailing analysis regarding the Cincinnati Bengals centers around their abundance of talent, and how they've underachived with quarterback Andy Dalton under center.
How much of the disappointment was caused by offensive coordinator Jay Gruden? How much was caused by Dalton? Did the Washington Redskins just hire him because of his last name?
Remember that column I wrote about how we tend to evaluate the quality of play-calling solely based on on-field execution? You don't? That's fine, here's the link.
Basically, my theory is that football-watching humans love the coordinators who coordinator great players who don't make plays on a regular basis and think poorly of coordinators who coordinator poor players who don't make plays on a regular basis.
Sure, Daniel Snyder isn't necessarily known for his hiring abilities, but the Redskins front office must have seen a lot they liked with Gruden despite the play of Dalton.
Actually, I think Gruden was smart to incorporate plenty of easy reads and short passes over the past three seasons for Dalton. If Robert Griffin III's healthy, the Redskins probably won't look as "idiotic" as everyone thinks for hiring Jon Gruden's brother.
But is Jay Gruden a brilliant offensive coordinator who's bound to become the next Sean Payton? Probably not.
Lastly, the fact that Jim Haslett stayed on as defensive coordinator didn't make much sense to me, but I guess he was able to point to a myriad of injuries and bad drafting for his continually porous units?
Grade: B-
Bill O'Brien, Houston Texans
A lot of people loved this hire. I'm not one of those people.
If I'm the Houston Texans, I'm hanging my hat on the fact that Bill O'Brien worked closely with Tom Brady and the New England Patriots during some of their most productive offensive seasons to date.
That's promising and makes for a sound reason to hire him.
But all the Penn State stuff has been a bit overblown.
I just don't think he did as tremendous of a job as many think he did. Sure, the PR fiasco after the Jerry Sandusky saga and Joe Paterno's death didn't make for the job an ideal landing spot for anyone.
But after the first few games, Penn State playing football again was just Penn State playing football again. O'Brien went 8-4 with kids he didn't recruit and a quarterback who proved to at least be a capable NFL backup this season.
In 2013, with one of the finest signal-caller recruits in the nation, O'Brien's team went 7-5. Eh.
Also, the past failures of Bill Belichick's disciples kind of scares me a little. O'Brien might be a stand-up guy with desired leadership qualities and a firm grasp of the Patriots offense.
But is he someone to lead a mini-rebuild?
I'm not so sure.
Then again, if the Texans draft the right quarterback, O'Brien probably be all right.
He brought in Romeo Crennel, one of those "he's a great coordinator but a horrible head coach" to coordinate a defense that needs major work outside of J.J. Watt, and, if healthy, Brian Cushing.
One of my problems with people, media, fans, commenters—whoever—bashing a GM, coach or player is that, usually, said "basher" doesn't have a better replacement in mind.
When thinking of it that way, I totally understand how and why Houston hired O'Brien. He had NFL coaching experience and he was fresh off a "rebuilding effort" with the Nittany Lions. That's fine. I just don't think the j
